Friday, October 27, 2006
How To Lose Your Ass In Laughlin. Literally
I like Laughlin. Well, I sorta like Laughlin. It's kind of cool going there, because it's one of the few places I can go and be one of the youngest people in the joint. I was just there for a four-day training conference with a couple hundred auto theft investigation professionals. Man, some of those guys know how to party, and the sponsoring association has a hospitality suite loaded with tasty and gratis adult beverages. Need I say more?
First night there, a couple of us were out by the river when we heard some grunting and groaning out in the water. About 75 yards or so off shore, out in the middle of the river, was a guy just bobbing along and groaning in pain. We could just make out his head out there in the dark, cruising along with the rather swift current. We tried calling out to him, but he didn't respond, so I called 911 and told them they needed to fish this guy out pronto, or he'd soon be carp food. The 911 dispatcher nust have been working off a checklist, because she asked a couple of questions so stupid as to defy description. I'll just give it to you verbatim:
Me: We have what appears to be a male in the Colorado River, crying out in pain but otherwise unresponsive to our calls. He's just passing the River Palms Casino out in the middle of the river.
911: "A man in the river, behind the River Palms? Is he injured?"
Me: No idea. He's grunting and groaning, but he's way out there and we can just barely see him.
911: "What race is he?"
Me: Race? How would I know? It's dark and he's a long way out there. Want me to run downstream and ask him what race he is?
911: "No sir. We just need to be able to identify him if we see him."
Me: OK. Well, I've been out here a few minutes, and I'm pretty sure he's the only guy floating down the middle of the Colorado River between the River Palms and Harrah's.
911: "All right, sir. What direction was he last seen going?"
Me: Hmmm. Let's see......downstream....Let me think.....I'm gonna go with "south."
911: "Thank you, sir. We'll send somebody right out."
By this time, I'd lost sight of him. I analyzed the situation:
A) I didn't put him in the river
B) I damned sure wasn't going in after him, so
C) Let's go get a beer.
A couple of our guys followed him downstream till a river taxi ran him over. Turns out he was drunk and made the decision to swim the river instead of walking all the way to the bridge, and he got a cramp. Dumbass.
The river taxi pilot thought he had hit a buoy (not a "boy") and cut his engines just about the time this fool got caught up in the prop. Dude survived the adventure, but not before the prop cut his left ass cheek nearly completely off.
So, at least I wasn't the only guy to lose his ass in Laughlin this week.
|
First night there, a couple of us were out by the river when we heard some grunting and groaning out in the water. About 75 yards or so off shore, out in the middle of the river, was a guy just bobbing along and groaning in pain. We could just make out his head out there in the dark, cruising along with the rather swift current. We tried calling out to him, but he didn't respond, so I called 911 and told them they needed to fish this guy out pronto, or he'd soon be carp food. The 911 dispatcher nust have been working off a checklist, because she asked a couple of questions so stupid as to defy description. I'll just give it to you verbatim:
Me: We have what appears to be a male in the Colorado River, crying out in pain but otherwise unresponsive to our calls. He's just passing the River Palms Casino out in the middle of the river.
911: "A man in the river, behind the River Palms? Is he injured?"
Me: No idea. He's grunting and groaning, but he's way out there and we can just barely see him.
911: "What race is he?"
Me: Race? How would I know? It's dark and he's a long way out there. Want me to run downstream and ask him what race he is?
911: "No sir. We just need to be able to identify him if we see him."
Me: OK. Well, I've been out here a few minutes, and I'm pretty sure he's the only guy floating down the middle of the Colorado River between the River Palms and Harrah's.
911: "All right, sir. What direction was he last seen going?"
Me: Hmmm. Let's see......downstream....Let me think.....I'm gonna go with "south."
911: "Thank you, sir. We'll send somebody right out."
By this time, I'd lost sight of him. I analyzed the situation:
A) I didn't put him in the river
B) I damned sure wasn't going in after him, so
C) Let's go get a beer.
A couple of our guys followed him downstream till a river taxi ran him over. Turns out he was drunk and made the decision to swim the river instead of walking all the way to the bridge, and he got a cramp. Dumbass.
The river taxi pilot thought he had hit a buoy (not a "boy") and cut his engines just about the time this fool got caught up in the prop. Dude survived the adventure, but not before the prop cut his left ass cheek nearly completely off.
So, at least I wasn't the only guy to lose his ass in Laughlin this week.
