Friday, March 11, 2005
Never Trust A Furball With A Handgun
The AP reported today that a Maryland man was shot while cooking his breakfast. It seems his cat "accidentally" knocked his 9mm handgun off a counter, causing it to discharge. Yeah right. Accidentally. He probably pissed the little Hell-Demon off by expecting it to do something out of its character. Like not be an asshole. But, to a Crime Dog's inquiring mind, this case brings up some verrrrry interesting questions: How much personal protection does a guy need while cooking breakfast in his own kitchen? I know undercooked eggs can be potentially fatal, but you can usually just leave them in the skillet a little longer. You don't really need to hold them off with a handgun while calling for reinforcements. I once dispatched an entire pound of seriously pissed-off bacon with nothing more than a spatula and a pizza slicer. OK,OK, so there was that one little incident where I was knocked momentarily unconscious by an Egg McMuffin, but it took a cheap shot when I wasn't ready.
No, there's more to this story. This poor guy saw the need to protect himself from something. You know, the vast majority of assaults and homicides are committed by someone related to the victim in some way. This guy's cat is the real key. Bring in those dudes from CSI Little Rock or whatever, and that little bastard will be in cuffs faster than it can hork up a hairball. Run one of those gunpowder residue test whatchamacallits on its paws, you'll have your shooter. Most handguns these days have safety features to prevent them from discharging when dropped. You have to pull the trigger. Now, while his victim is lying in a hospital bed, Fluffy is probably out there with his credit cards and cash, trying to score a lid of catnip. Word on the street is you can get some good Garfield Green down by the sewer grate. Only problem is, you have to score from an albino alligator named Pete.
Take it from the Crime Dog. Cats are assholes.
