Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I Got A Big Suspicion About Ammunition
Jules prefers the very deadly Royale With Cheese,while Vincent opts
for the ubiquitous, but equally deadly Egg McMuffin with Ham.
I read in the local rag over the weekend that a Naples, Florida woman was injured when some low-life slug cracked her over the dome with a beer bottle. In the medical exam that followed, doctors discovered and removed a potentially fatal brain tumor. Now, in addition to my avalanche kit, I'm going to have to get another case of beer to keep around to guard against brain tumors. Man, I had no idea this stuff was so powerful.
And, speaking of assaults with food and beverage products, some hair-triggered bonehead up in Michigan got himself a fine, probation, and community service when he assaulted a McDonald's employee with an Egg McMuffin. It seems he ordered four of the things with ham, but one came back with bacon on it. So, he did what any reasonable person would have done: He flung it right back through the window at the server. Good thing it wasn't lunch time. A ballistic double quarter-pounder with cheese could really hurt someone. Of course, if you've seen Super Size Me, you know either of those weapons is much more deadly when lunched, rather than launched.
Finally, some birds out in Columbia, S.C. managed to get themselves drunk a few days ago on fermented holly berries. Some were seen to fall off tree branches, while others injured themselves flying into windows. For the most part, however, they simply chirped really loud right up until last call. Two male cedar waxwings were observed hitting on a really unattractive female finch, and two grackles were seen doing an intervention on a third while he squawked "I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT!!" The ungrateful fowl was later found sleeping it off underneath a park bench.
With all the news that's fit to ridicule, the Crime Dog is here to help.
