Parrothead Ramblings

E.T. makes his true intentions for Elliot known in
this deleted scene from E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

ABC talking head Peter Jennings hosted a UFO special last night. There must be a reason. I got busy and missed it, but I've always been curious about aliens and UFOs and stuff like that. I mean, c'mon, does anybody really think we're the only critters in the whole entire universe? Those funky-looking dudes with the big eyes gotta be out there somewhere. But why-oh-why would they have the least bit of interest in a self-destructive bunch of numb-nuts like us earthlings? My theory is that we are a lot like an anthill out in the back forty of the universe somewhere. I mean, they know we're out here. They just don't give a shit. One of these days, if we get to be too much of a nuisance, they'll blast us with some intergalactic Raid and just get it over with.

Which brings us to alien abductions. Dudes are still out there claiming they got abducted and anally probed by a malevolent bunch of ETs. Come on now, there's only so much you can learn by gazing up the ass of some redneck from Pascagoula, and it's probably stuff you don't want to know. You ever have an MRI? These things are incredible. They use this high-tech imagery to slice and dice you up and down in every conceivable direction, seeing and knowing virtually everything inside every nook and cranny of your personally mismanaged body. We earthlings came up with this thing. Us. The fools who drive around with internal combustion engines and use them to crash into one another with alarming frequency. We boneheads who spend a vast part of our gross national products trying to find new and interesting ways to kill one another. Sure, we have computers, but we seem to use them predominantly to look at naked pictures of one another. We're just a bunch of monkeys with PhDs, but we were smart enough to build these things. Of course, as space travel goes, we can't even make it to the next planet over. Hell, even our airplanes regularly fall right out of the sky. So will someone please tell me why beings advanced enough to cruise around the universe at warp speed are relegated to sticking prods up asses to see what's inside? Don't you think maybe, just maybe, they have a better MRI than we do?

Can't say much for their taste, either. We got Heather Graham and Charlize Theron running around down here, but these extra-terrestrial idiots somehow manage to snatch some beer-engorged Billy Bob from the riverbank where he's catfishing. The Crime Dog ain't impressed.
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