Thursday, February 17, 2005
Save the Cheeseburgers!
It's time for our government to stand up for disenfranchised fast food.
I gotta hand it to the great state of Minnesota. I know they live in a freaking ice-box, they managed to elect a pro 'rassler as their governor, and they have all those stupid "Sven and Olie" jokes, but these cats know how to legislate. A bill just passed committee up there that will outlaw lawsuits by fat people against the creators and purveyors of the burgers, wings, and pizzas that they mowed through to get so blimped up.
It's about time someone stood up for the "bad" foods. They deserve legal protection, just like free speech and handguns. We touched on this a few days ago, when we discussed the cretin who threw an Egg McMuffin at a McDonald's employee. We must punish the offender, not unfairly condemn all those who use fast food responsibly because of the misguided actions of a few.
The Arizona legislature wants to legalize carrying concealed handguns in bars. See the connection? Just because some drunk might have blown away some other drunk in a bar one time doesn't mean future drunks shouldn't be able to responsibly pack heat to the local watering hole, does it? I know, I know, this proposed law would make it illegal to carry a gun into a bar, and then actually imbibe. I'm sure there are lots of dudes who just want to stick a .45 down their pants, then hang out in a bar and sip Diet Coke.
But, we have to draw the line somewhere. We can't just let fruitcakes run amok with deadly weapons. So, I plan to propose legislation that will outlaw the carrying of a concealed cheeseburger into a licensed liquor establishment by a disgruntled fat person with anger-management issues and a history of grocery abuse. Join with the Crime Dog, and together, we will make this a better world. After all, fast food doesn't kill people, clogged arteries kill people!
