Monday, February 28, 2005
Phins Across The Desert
At least the price was right.
The Crime Dog family was busier than a beagle in a fire hydrant factory over the weekend, moving Ms. Crime Dog's mother a few hundred miles from New Mexico to her new home right here in the Valley of the Sun, a few miles from our own kennel. To make the seven hour trip a bit more tolerable, we rented this nice Expedition. But of course, who got stuck piloting the U-Haul all the way home, stuffed full of mother-in-law's stuff? Yep, you guessed it. While I was wrestling that top-heavy bastard across the Arizona desert, Ms. Crime Dog was chillin' behind me in the Expedition, making the occasional "constructive criticism" of my driving ability. Little did she know, driving that thing was a lot like going through a circus fun-house after a twelve-pack. And what kind of sadistical, money-grubbing corporate shit-heel in a suit would rent out a truck with no CD player in it? You can't even pick up a radio station out there in BFE New Mexico. That is, unless you're in to El sueño de Morfeo singing "Nunca volverá" on A.M. (I have no idea what that is, I just stole it from a Latino Top 50 website.) So, my lovely daughter, Kim, rode with me all the way, in order to keep me company. Well, that was the purported reason. I know she was just really scared I would fall asleep and scatter myself and mother-in-law's stuff all over some wretched salt flat around Lordsburg. She spent the first hour of the trip ripping pages from her Us magazine and stuffing them all around the window to stop some mind-numbing whistling sound from blowing in. And for a woman for whom any motor-vehicle trip is the equivalent of a double dose of Rohypnol with a tequila chaser, she did a good job of staying awake until close to the end. No matter, battling that highway schooner kept me quite alert for the eight hours it took to make the trek.
Anyway, mother-in-law and her ever-present weenie dog were safely delivered and downloaded. And the Crime Dog is back in action. As soon as I can feel my brain again.
