Saturday, October 29, 2005
The Ol' Parking Lot Blues
Yesterday, I had to go over to the Kohl's in Gilbert. Man, I hate to shop, but if I gotta do it, I'll take Kohl's any day. So I drove up there and saw me a dandy parking spot right out front, about three spots away from the front door. I headed on over there, but got jammed up by a wide woman and three rug rats walking down the middle - not the side, mind you, but the middle - of the row. Don't you hate that? I'd honk my horn, but I know I'd come back out and find that she danced on my hood in golf shoes. So, while I'm waiting for Star Jones and her three offspring to figure out they are not the only ones in the parking lot, SUV guy comes in from the other end and takes my spot.
*&^%$# Assrocket!!!
Star Jones finally managed to get her two axe-handle ass out of my way and I proceeded on, when...hmmmm...What have we here? Next row over, baby, first spot, just a few steps from the door, waiting for me with her arms wide open. You know how that makes you feel? All warm and fuzzy, like Lady Luck is smiling upon you for a change.
In your face, SUV assrocket guy!
So I make the turn in front of the store, then immediately turn again, hard because I have to make a U-turn to get into the space. I'm a guy. If I miss and don't park the car on the first try, I lose face. I'd have to drive all the way to the Kohl's in Chandler just to avoid the derisive laughter of all the other guys.
But I made it. Nearly perfect, in fact. My car is no more than 1.75" closer to the left line than the right. I'm well within The Man's Man Parking Tolerance Standards. I give myself a big mental pat on the back and start to get out, when something catches my eye right in front of my car. It's a little sign, barely higher than my hood:
Reserved For Associate Of The Month
OK, this is a joke. I'm being Punk'd. Where's the camera? Where's that guy who plays Kelso? You know, Demi Moore's kid.
Who do these employers think they are fooling? Do you really believe some employee is out their working her ass off, going the extra mile, kicking in the afterburners for you, while thinking to herself the whole time, "Man, if I can just stay on top, make more sales, smile more, and ask 'can I help you today' more often than that bitch Noreen in cosmetics, I can park ten steps closer to the door for a whole month"? Do you really think that motivates anybody?
Do us all a favor. Give the associate of the month a cash bonus, or a day with pay, or maybe a free pair of shoes. That employee will be much more motivated by cashola than that stupid parking space. Might just as well put a little gold star beside their names on the sign-out board. You'd get the same results.
Oh, and while you're at it, maybe you can convert back to regular spaces just a few of those 37 handicap spaces you have that are perpetually empty. Or maybe occupied, but by some asshole who walks better'n I do. Course, in my case, that ain't saying much.
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*&^%$# Assrocket!!!
Star Jones finally managed to get her two axe-handle ass out of my way and I proceeded on, when...hmmmm...What have we here? Next row over, baby, first spot, just a few steps from the door, waiting for me with her arms wide open. You know how that makes you feel? All warm and fuzzy, like Lady Luck is smiling upon you for a change.
In your face, SUV assrocket guy!
So I make the turn in front of the store, then immediately turn again, hard because I have to make a U-turn to get into the space. I'm a guy. If I miss and don't park the car on the first try, I lose face. I'd have to drive all the way to the Kohl's in Chandler just to avoid the derisive laughter of all the other guys.
But I made it. Nearly perfect, in fact. My car is no more than 1.75" closer to the left line than the right. I'm well within The Man's Man Parking Tolerance Standards. I give myself a big mental pat on the back and start to get out, when something catches my eye right in front of my car. It's a little sign, barely higher than my hood:
Reserved For Associate Of The Month
OK, this is a joke. I'm being Punk'd. Where's the camera? Where's that guy who plays Kelso? You know, Demi Moore's kid.
Who do these employers think they are fooling? Do you really believe some employee is out their working her ass off, going the extra mile, kicking in the afterburners for you, while thinking to herself the whole time, "Man, if I can just stay on top, make more sales, smile more, and ask 'can I help you today' more often than that bitch Noreen in cosmetics, I can park ten steps closer to the door for a whole month"? Do you really think that motivates anybody?
Do us all a favor. Give the associate of the month a cash bonus, or a day with pay, or maybe a free pair of shoes. That employee will be much more motivated by cashola than that stupid parking space. Might just as well put a little gold star beside their names on the sign-out board. You'd get the same results.
Oh, and while you're at it, maybe you can convert back to regular spaces just a few of those 37 handicap spaces you have that are perpetually empty. Or maybe occupied, but by some asshole who walks better'n I do. Course, in my case, that ain't saying much.
