Parrothead Ramblings

Carl Spackler demonstrates the proper disposal of pool
debris in this scene from the classic, Caddyshack.

Not long ago, some guy who disagreed with me on another blogger's site told me I was "19 going on 50." He said it as though it was a bad thing. Hell, I thought it was high praise, myself. Thanks, whoever you were!

So, in honor of the concept of growing older but not up, I hereby dedicate today's blog to that ol' standby of youthful indiscretion: The spud gun.

Also knows as "potato cannons" or "spud launchers", these little beauties are cheap and easy to build, and they can propel a fist-sized chunk of tater better than 100 yards on the fly. Hell, I own two, and I believe every Parrothead ought to have one. The second amendment of the constitution of the Republic of Margaritaville gives you that right. I know a guy up on the Mogollon Rim that uses one to protect his property. From javelinas and elk, that is. A chunk of ballistic spud can really tattoo the ass of trespassing fauna, I guarantee you.

But mostly, they're just plain old fun and recreational. I go camping with a bunch of guys that all own spud guns. Our favorite game is "hit the guy taking a dump in the woods." Let me tell you, it significantly speeds the call of nature. Spud guns are versatile, too. I've used them to launch pretty much anything I could stuff down the barrel: Potatoes, watermelon, cantaloupe, apples, oranges, jellybeans, golf balls, and on one ill-conceived occasion during a camping trip, an entire Hostess Twinkie. Let's just say baked goods don't hold together very well when they go from 0 to 100MPH in just about a nanosecond, instantaneously turning into a billion itty-bitty sugar-impregnated meteorites. A Twinkie blizzard can be downright awe-inspiring, but that shit adheres like Super Glue to everything it touches. My tent roof is now permanently decorated with oak leaves and pine needles, which won't even come off with paint thinner and a putty knife.

From a utilitarian standpoint, spud guns are a fun and easy way to get dog shit out of your yard. A properly charged spud gun can launch a pile of dried dog turds a full city block, right into the pool of that shithook around the corner who called the cops on your last Parrothead gathering. If that's too aggressive for you, then just dispose of your dog turds the conventional way - by lobbing them into the alley with a pitching wedge - and then launch a couple of boxes of Baby Ruths into your asshole neighbor's pool instead. Next thing you know, he'll have Carl Spackler out there in a hazmat suit to drain and sterilize his little oasis.

You know what they say: revenge is a dish best served cold. Serving it anonymously and at 120' per second is just icing on the cake.
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