Thursday, July 20, 2006
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love MVD
A couple of days ago, I sent out one of the hired hands to fetch me some information from the local Dungeon of Torture and Iron Maiden Repository, otherwise known as MVD. You know the place. That's where the air conditioners keep the temperature barely above that of the parking lot, while you sit amongst what looks like a camp for Third-World refugees and toothless rednecks, waving the malodorous air from your face while a disembodied voice calls out "Now serving customer G142 at Window 666." Fearing eye contact with the denizens of that foul place, you sit and silently stare at the little piece of paper in your hand that says "A005" thinking Shit, I got five letters of the alphabet to go.That guy with the beard sitting next to you? He was clean shaven when he showed up there that morning.
Anyway, I sent out for some information (Hey, there's some shit even a Crime Dog won't do. MVD is one of them) on an auto theft case, wherein the subject's motor vehicle record showed the notation "Abandoned vehicle fee due." Thinking this abandoned vehicle could be the allegedly stolen one, I naturally had an interest in just what vehicle this dude abandoned.
I get note back from my stalwart vendor: MVD won't release the identity of the vehicle until the "abandoned vehicle fee" of $50 is paid.
Huh?
That policy must spark some interesting conversations down at the ol' MVD.
Hi, nice MVD lady. I've been informed I owe an abandoned vehicle fee. There must be some sort of mistake.
"Wow! Nice two-day beard growth you got there! And there's no mistake, sir. You do in fact owe an abandoned vehicle fee. That'll be $50."
I don't think so, Scooter. Just What vehicle am I supposed to have abandoned?
"Can't tell you. It'll cost you $50 to find out."
Why would I pay you $50 just to find out what vehicle it is? I haven't abandoned anything. There must be some sort of mistake.
"Impossible, sir. We're MVD, and infallible. Look, it says so right here on the wall, see? 'Rule 1: MVD Makes no mistakes. Rule 2: If MVD makes a mistake, refer to Rule 1.' Now, hand over the $50."
I'm telling you. I haven't abandoned ANY vehicle. Can you PROVE I did?
"Of course I can. Here's your motor vehicle record. Says right here: 'Abandoned Vehicle Fee Due.' There's your proof."
That proves nothing. It doesn't even identify the vehicle I'm accused of abandoning.
"Well, sir, if you're sure it's not your vehicle, then you can complete this 12-page affidavit, swear to its truthfulness before a judge, have it blessed by a clergyman and notarized, then submit it in person with a certified blood sample and your handling fee of $50 to our oversight committee, which meets on odd Wednesdays once per quarter at the MVD office in Colorado City.
Colorado City?? Are you nuts? That's almost in Utah! And those people up there have a collective IQ of two. It takes three just to grunt.
"You're entitled to your opinion, sir. Oh, and make sure your affidavit includes the vehicle identification number."
Fine. Whatever. So just what IS the vehicle identification number?
"You'll have to pay the $50 fee to find out, sir. It's our policy."
Geez! All this for a simple error?
(In a sing-song voice) "Rule 1, Sirrrrr!"
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Anyway, I sent out for some information (Hey, there's some shit even a Crime Dog won't do. MVD is one of them) on an auto theft case, wherein the subject's motor vehicle record showed the notation "Abandoned vehicle fee due." Thinking this abandoned vehicle could be the allegedly stolen one, I naturally had an interest in just what vehicle this dude abandoned.
I get note back from my stalwart vendor: MVD won't release the identity of the vehicle until the "abandoned vehicle fee" of $50 is paid.
Huh?
That policy must spark some interesting conversations down at the ol' MVD.
Hi, nice MVD lady. I've been informed I owe an abandoned vehicle fee. There must be some sort of mistake.
"Wow! Nice two-day beard growth you got there! And there's no mistake, sir. You do in fact owe an abandoned vehicle fee. That'll be $50."
I don't think so, Scooter. Just What vehicle am I supposed to have abandoned?
"Can't tell you. It'll cost you $50 to find out."
Why would I pay you $50 just to find out what vehicle it is? I haven't abandoned anything. There must be some sort of mistake.
"Impossible, sir. We're MVD, and infallible. Look, it says so right here on the wall, see? 'Rule 1: MVD Makes no mistakes. Rule 2: If MVD makes a mistake, refer to Rule 1.' Now, hand over the $50."
I'm telling you. I haven't abandoned ANY vehicle. Can you PROVE I did?
"Of course I can. Here's your motor vehicle record. Says right here: 'Abandoned Vehicle Fee Due.' There's your proof."
That proves nothing. It doesn't even identify the vehicle I'm accused of abandoning.
"Well, sir, if you're sure it's not your vehicle, then you can complete this 12-page affidavit, swear to its truthfulness before a judge, have it blessed by a clergyman and notarized, then submit it in person with a certified blood sample and your handling fee of $50 to our oversight committee, which meets on odd Wednesdays once per quarter at the MVD office in Colorado City.
Colorado City?? Are you nuts? That's almost in Utah! And those people up there have a collective IQ of two. It takes three just to grunt.
"You're entitled to your opinion, sir. Oh, and make sure your affidavit includes the vehicle identification number."
Fine. Whatever. So just what IS the vehicle identification number?
"You'll have to pay the $50 fee to find out, sir. It's our policy."
Geez! All this for a simple error?
(In a sing-song voice) "Rule 1, Sirrrrr!"
