Thursday, July 06, 2006
Neckties Suck Blue Whales
TFMCD and I went out for Teakwood's Wednesday last night and hooked up with Pirate Rick and His Wench, .11, B.O., and some other fine folks. Had a nice time shooting the ol' shit and having a couple of cold brews.
Wayners has only joined us once for Teakwood's Wednesday. He's either busy or he just...well....he forgets. The first several weeks after he and Janners moved here, I would invariably call him from Teakwood's every Wednesday at around 7:15PM and ask him who got voted off American Idol, and he would invariably tell me "It doesn't come on until 8:00, dumbass." It got to be routine. American Idol has been off the air for weeks now, but just to annoy him, I still call at the same time and ask who got voted off. He still calls me a dumbass.
Now he has a job. He actually has to roll out of the rack and go to the office every morning. And they make him wear....get this....ready? Here goes....
A NECKTIE!
He apparently works for one of the last holdouts that still require ties in Arizona in the summer. If I were required to wear a tie, I'd most likely hang myself with it by lunchtime of my first day. Maybe accidentally, maybe not.
So last night, I called at the usual time. No answer, just a voice mail. Probably got his hands tangled in his tie trying to answer the phone. Dumbass.
Back in my cop days, our Chief decided one day that we would look more professional if we wore ties with our uniforms. He was a very good Chief, and a bright man, so I can only surmise this idiot decision was an aberration. Anyway, we either wore clip-ons or cut the ties under the collar and put them back together with a staple or single stitch, so they would easily break away. Last thing you want is to have your happy ass swung around a barroom by your necktie like an Olympic hammer throw.
So, when I fell during a gravity storm and was forced back into civilian life as an auto theft investigator, some old habits died hard. Hell, they still ain't dead. One of them was to nip those neckties so they would break away easily, like I was really going to get into a bar fight or something. One day, I was inspecting a running vehicle and had to look under the hood. I stupidly leaned over the engine, and the cooling fan snatched the tie right off my neck. We had to cut the damn thing out of there with a pocketknife and pliers. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had on a fully intact tie.
The Crime Dog is through with neckties. I don't even want to be buried or cremated in one. If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time, find the guy who invented neckties, and kick his ass. Then, if you ladies wanted me to, I'd do the same with the asshole who invented pantyhose. Or high heels. Just say the word.
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Wayners has only joined us once for Teakwood's Wednesday. He's either busy or he just...well....he forgets. The first several weeks after he and Janners moved here, I would invariably call him from Teakwood's every Wednesday at around 7:15PM and ask him who got voted off American Idol, and he would invariably tell me "It doesn't come on until 8:00, dumbass." It got to be routine. American Idol has been off the air for weeks now, but just to annoy him, I still call at the same time and ask who got voted off. He still calls me a dumbass.
Now he has a job. He actually has to roll out of the rack and go to the office every morning. And they make him wear....get this....ready? Here goes....
A NECKTIE!
He apparently works for one of the last holdouts that still require ties in Arizona in the summer. If I were required to wear a tie, I'd most likely hang myself with it by lunchtime of my first day. Maybe accidentally, maybe not.
So last night, I called at the usual time. No answer, just a voice mail. Probably got his hands tangled in his tie trying to answer the phone. Dumbass.
Back in my cop days, our Chief decided one day that we would look more professional if we wore ties with our uniforms. He was a very good Chief, and a bright man, so I can only surmise this idiot decision was an aberration. Anyway, we either wore clip-ons or cut the ties under the collar and put them back together with a staple or single stitch, so they would easily break away. Last thing you want is to have your happy ass swung around a barroom by your necktie like an Olympic hammer throw.
So, when I fell during a gravity storm and was forced back into civilian life as an auto theft investigator, some old habits died hard. Hell, they still ain't dead. One of them was to nip those neckties so they would break away easily, like I was really going to get into a bar fight or something. One day, I was inspecting a running vehicle and had to look under the hood. I stupidly leaned over the engine, and the cooling fan snatched the tie right off my neck. We had to cut the damn thing out of there with a pocketknife and pliers. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had on a fully intact tie.
The Crime Dog is through with neckties. I don't even want to be buried or cremated in one. If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time, find the guy who invented neckties, and kick his ass. Then, if you ladies wanted me to, I'd do the same with the asshole who invented pantyhose. Or high heels. Just say the word.
