Wednesday, May 25, 2005
A Parakeet Valedictorian
I never knew there was such a thing as a pre-school graduation before I actually went to one last Wednesday. You ain't lived till you've seen a bunch of five-year-olds trying to hold mortar boards on their heads with one hand, while walking and trying to grab their diplomas with the other. They look like a bunch of penguins on a three-day moonshine bender. In more than one way, these Parakeet affairs are a lot more fun than the high school or even college variety. Parakeets stay completely within themselves. It's truly their world. Young adults, on the other hand, can be monumental pains in the ass. They just thinkit's their world. They won't know for a couple more years that pretty much the whole world belongs to mindless and unfathomably wealthy corporate dictators. It's those assholes who paid for all the nice buildings and classrooms on their tree-lined campuses to begin with. But I digress, once again.
What was great about this particular Parakeet graduation, besides the fact that Lady Bug the Crime Dog Grand Parakeet was among those hopelessly hanging on to one of those mortar boards, was the fact that they served food. Not "Little Debbie Star Crunches" and juice boxes, but real food. Cheeseburgers and some of the best-tasting, most flatulence-inducing baked beans I've ever eaten. Too bad they fed us afterwards. That graduation ceremony would have been even more entertaining with a bunch of proud Grandpas playing "Can You Top This?" with our ass cheeks.
Anyway, I guess Lady Bug is now fully qualified to enter first grade. I'm not sure what her pre-school GPA is, so I don't know if she qualified for an academic scholarship. No question she could get in on her talent for the arts. She showed me her latest work just this afternoon: "Papa's House in Crayon and Construction Paper." It must have been an impressionist work, because my house was round and looked like it was on fire.
Even if the artsy-fartsy thing doesn't work out for her, she can go for athletics. Why, just today, she displayed her prowess at running on ceramic tile with an aluminum bucket on one foot. If you think it sounds easy, you try it some time. I'll even let you borrow the bucket. Just call me next week when my hearing returns.
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What was great about this particular Parakeet graduation, besides the fact that Lady Bug the Crime Dog Grand Parakeet was among those hopelessly hanging on to one of those mortar boards, was the fact that they served food. Not "Little Debbie Star Crunches" and juice boxes, but real food. Cheeseburgers and some of the best-tasting, most flatulence-inducing baked beans I've ever eaten. Too bad they fed us afterwards. That graduation ceremony would have been even more entertaining with a bunch of proud Grandpas playing "Can You Top This?" with our ass cheeks.
Anyway, I guess Lady Bug is now fully qualified to enter first grade. I'm not sure what her pre-school GPA is, so I don't know if she qualified for an academic scholarship. No question she could get in on her talent for the arts. She showed me her latest work just this afternoon: "Papa's House in Crayon and Construction Paper." It must have been an impressionist work, because my house was round and looked like it was on fire.
Even if the artsy-fartsy thing doesn't work out for her, she can go for athletics. Why, just today, she displayed her prowess at running on ceramic tile with an aluminum bucket on one foot. If you think it sounds easy, you try it some time. I'll even let you borrow the bucket. Just call me next week when my hearing returns.
