Parrothead Ramblings

The always challenging 18th at the Evinrude Country Club.

A guy in Canada was convicted this week for assaulting his neighbors with a weapon. The weapon: A golf club and a bucket of balls. Dude was whacking them from his yard out onto a lake at some of his neighbors, who were fishing from a rowboat.

OK, so admittedly, this guy was a complete idiot. He could have hurt or even killed someone. But you'd have to be PGA material to even come close to intentionally hitting a guy in a rowboat. Hell, you could tie twenty rowboats together, and I'd still have trouble hitting 'em. Unintentionally plunking a guy with a golf shot is an entirely different matter. Why, just last month, I had an errant shot of my own that drilled my youngest son right above the crack of his ass. He howled like a train whistle, spun around a couple of times, and went to his knees. The good news was that there was no serious damage done. The best news is that he didn't spill a single drop of his beer.

Once many years ago, I hit a ball right off the toe of a 3-iron. That damned thing shot ninety degrees off the club face and straight into my golf cart doing like 100mph. That wouldn't have been so bad, had the cart been unoccupied. The poor bastard inside had no time to react. The ball hit the floorboard, the roof, the seat, the dash, back and forth like a super-high-speed pinball machine. The whole thing was over in about one second, my partner was untouched, and the ball stayed in the cart. That golf partner went on to become a minister. No, really, I'm not making that part up. I'd like to think I had something to do with his career choice, but then I've never really liked preachers very much, anyway.

In a related story, a supervisor at a Budweiser distributorship in Colorado got fired when he was seen drinking a Coors off duty. OK, it's not really a "related" story. I just like beer better than preachers. But I digress. The fired worker has now filed suit against his former employer, American Eagle Distributing. The Budweiser guys need to seriously think about settling up. Think about it, American Eagle dumbasses: You're being sued by a guy you fired because he drank Coors instead of Bud. In COLORADO. The jury is gonna love you.

In the Crime Dog's "WTF? Department," we find this gem: Gwyneth Paltrow says she's concerned her baby, "Apple", will be considered a "freak." Nice job, lady. You're halfway there by naming the kid after a piece of fruit. Maybe if you have a boy, you can name him "Banana."
  |