Parrothead Ramblings

May she rest in peace......

Murphy's Law kicked in on the Crime Dog Phamily this weekend. The Fetching Mrs Crime Dog and some of her lady phriends scored a weekend at a cabin in Munds Park, which was good. The bad part was that The Crime Dog sled became seriously mechanically challenged once she got up there. That, of course, is par for the course for Murphy. Mechanical challenges tend to occur at the worst moment at the furthest distance from home. And this challenge was bad: a seized engine bearing. The ladies were fine, because they were already at the cabin, and they didn't need a car until they were ready to come home. My brilliant plan was to just rent her a car out of Flagstaff, have our car towed back to town, they could come home when they got good and ready, and - added bonus - no need for me to drive up there. Easy. Everybody is happy. Poorer, in my case, but happy.

So, I called Enterprise. You know, the "We Pick You Up" guys? Love those commercials! I mean, you just know you have nothing to worry about. Not only do they pick you up, they even put your picnic basket in the trunk for you, like the nice lady on the commercial.

Liars.

They refused to either come down there and get her or bring her a car. I know, I know, it's the grand distance of like 15 miles from Flagstaff to Munds Park. Big fucking deal. That's a stone's throw for us Phoenicians. We measure in time, not distance, and that fifteen miles gets covered on I17 in about 3.5 minutes.

So, thanks for nothing, Enterprise. Why don't you change your commercials to "We pick you up. Sometimes. If we feel like it, and it's not too much trouble."

The guy at Enterprise said he was the only one working that day. Not my problem, bucko. You said you'd pick me up. Call somebody. Pay 'em overtime. Keep your promise.

"Can't you come up here and get the car?" asks the guy.

If she could drive to Flagtsaff, I wouldn't need your stupid car, now would I? Sheesh. In fairness, I've always had real good service from Enterprise. Until my wife was stranded 200 miles away, that is.

So, I know now that I have to go up there and get them. No problem. I call my buddy Rex, whose fetching wife is stranded along with mine in Munds Park. Once I get him past the idea that he can't just leave her there, our idea is to go up in two vehicles, drop mine off with the ladies, then take his Tacoma into Flagstaff, rent a dolly from U-Haul, and pull my Blazer back to town. Perfect! I call U-Haul, tell them the situation, and "of course, Crime Dog, we shall reserve a dolly for you. You can pick it up tomorrow." Smooth as silk!

Well, until the next day when we got to U-Haul at the agreed-upon time. First they made me stand in line for 20 minutes, then subjected me to a grilling that would make the best third-world interrogator jealous:

What type vehicle will you be towing?

A 1998 Blazer.

Two wheel or four wheel drive?

Four.

Two door or four door?

Four as well. What's this got to do with.....

What are you towing with?

Um....A 1998 Toyota Tacoma. (Note: There's a lesson to be learned here. The '98 Toyota with 30,000 more miles than my '98 Blazer is towing the Blazer's broke down ass back to town.)

Is that a tow receiver or a bumper hitch?

Bumper hitch. $7.95 at Wal Mart. Two-inch. Chrome. I paid cash. Wanna tell me where all this is headed?

Yes sir. You can't tow a '98 Blazer with a '98 Tacoma. The Blazer is heavier, and it'll pull the bumper off the Tacoma.

Are you nuts? There's hardly any tongue weight on the dolly. That Tacoma won't even know it's back there. Besides, we're headed to Phoenix. It's all down hill, so the fucking Blazer will push us to Phoenix. We'll take our chances.

Sorry, sir. We can't do it.

OK, in that case, I misspoke. The tow vehicle is actually a 2005 Ford F350 Super Duty Pickup Truck with deluxe tow package. We just stuffed all that into a Tacoma frame, cause it's easier to park that way.

Nice try, sir. But a Blazer can't be dollied, anyway. It has to be on a flatbed.

Fine. You win. Rent me a flatbed trailer, and a truck.

Sorry, we're all out.

(Editor's Note: The commentary that followed was too coarse for this venue. Suffice it say it had to do with "This is %^$#@ information you @&#^%$! well could have *&^%$# provided me %^@#*^% yesterday, you %^&*%$#@ idiot!!!")

So, I had the damned Blazer towed anyway. Thanks to my phriend Rey's AAA card, it only cost me $200. A bargain. And Rex and I had a nice little drive.

Anybody wanna buy a Blazer? Cheap?
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