Thursday, May 05, 2005
The Great Yankee Hat Butt-Floss Conspiracy
Awwww. Lost your promotional hats? Here, give these away instead.
Just when you thought things couldn't possibly get worse for the NY Yankees......
As if being 11-17 and 7.5 out in May wasn't bad enough.....
As if losing two in a row to the Devil Rays, and threatening to pass them by on the way to dead last in AL East just was not sufficient......
Now comes this.
Some wise guy hijacked a shipment of Yankee hats on its way to a "hat day" promotion coming up at Yankee Stadium. Forty-seven THOUSAND of them. What the hell is anybody going to do with 47,000 Yankee hats? OK, I'm sure they have some kind of street value, though it must be plummeting with the team's shitty performance of late. But even if the numb nuts who ripped 'em off could get $5.00 apiece, that would be a pretty nice haul of $235,000. Of course, it's gonna be tough for a couple of dudes to hustle 47,000 of pretty much anything on their own, so I'm guessing they're looking for a fence that can spread 'em out, maybe pay 'em .25 on the dollar to unload them.
I've got just the place: Boston.
And the date: July 16th. A nationally televised matchup with the freakin' Yankees in Fenway Park.
Just imagine it! It's the 7th inning stretch, the Red Sox are up five runs, and everybody stands up for "Take Me Out To The Ball Game."
But what's this? Nobody's singing?
No way. No singing today! Operation "Yankee Asswipe" (Is that redundant?)is under way.
The Red Sox faithful are simultaneously dropping trou and wiping their collective asses on national TV, each with his/her own stolen Yankee hat. Then, they'll just pass them down the aisle, collect them all, and dump them in the Yankee dugout so the Bums can take 'em home with 'em.
And the best part is, Fenway only holds 33,817. That means they'll have 13,283 Yankee hats left over to clean urinals, mop up spilled beer, and clean the hot dog grills.
What could be better?
