Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Hey, you'd be pissed too, if somebody wanted to make a giant
bolo tie out of you.
Ever see The Black Scorpion? I have, numerous times. But then, I'm a sucker for old post-nuclear giant critter movies. My very favorite is The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, but let's not forget Them! , The Deadly Mantis, and Tarantula. Every one of those scared my skinny little ass shitless when they were shown on those old late-night monster movies in the mid-60's.
The black scorpion who starred in that film was a real bad-ass. The good guys chased him around fruitlessly as he wreaked havoc all over Mexico, finally nailing him with like a gazillion volts of electricity in some Mexico City soccer stadium. That kinda sucked, because I was on the scorpion's side from the beginning.(As an aside, I feel I need to mention here that this only goes to prove further my theory that nothing of merit has ever happened in a fucking soccer stadium.) Anyway, his natural armor was so strong that they had to wait till he reared back to sting something, thus exposing his only weak spot - way down on his underside. Then, they shot him with this giant harpoon thing that was wired to a dryer outlet or something, thus giving the black scorpion the "Ol' Sparky" treatment.
I grew up with scorpions - the real kind - all over my house in New Mexico. Hell, we just learned to live with 'em. All things considered, they're about as dangerous as a wasp to the vast majority of pholks. They do more good than harm, zapping all the creepy crawly insects and chowing down on them like they're a six-legged buffet line. Ladybugs do the same thing, only without the nasty disposition. The Fetching Mrs. Crime Dog does not really share in my arachnidal ambivalence, being so creeped out by the little guys she won't even smack 'em with a shoe. My Fetching Daughter Bo gets the heebie-jeebies from 'em, too, almost as bad as her husband, Joe E. I've lived in Arizona now for 18 years, and have never, ever, had a scorpion in my house. Bo and Joe E, however, bought a house in "scorpion central," right beside South Mountain, on a lot that backs up to a canal. They have the proverbial assload of scorpions.
For them, it's a bit of an annoying problem.For The Crime Dog, however, it's a virtual playground - the best of both worlds.
See, I have a scorpion-free home, but I still get to go scorpion hunting at Bo and Joe E's.
Scorpion hunting is always done at night, since the little bastards sleep all day. I know what you're thinking. How do you see them? Glad you asked. It turns out that evolution cursed the scorpion with an exoskeleton that glows like a freakin' meteor under a black light. So Joe E has equipped himself with a top-notch high-tech foolproof scorpion hunting kit, consisting of a battery operated blacklight, a can of White Rain hairspray, a Zippo, and a hammer. Here's how it works: We carefully walk around the fence surrounding his house, shining the black light in every nook and cranny. Scorpions are partial to both nooks and crannies, though I always seem to find more in crannies myself. And when you find one, believe me, you know it. They're so bright, they look like they're plugged into a wall outlet. This is where it gets fun. They get back in these little tiny cracks and hide, so you hit their hiding place with a steady stream of hair spray, then touch it off with the Zippo. Little bastards can't wait to evacuate ther crannies when that shit hits 'em, and that's when you pound 'em into glob of glowing yogurt with the hammer. That's what's really weird. The spot where you pulverize 'em continues to glow for days, maybe weeks from the squished scorpion residue, causing a lot of false positives on your next scorpion hunting trip. But what the hell? That just adds to the challenge.
So, it's actually a good thing that those guys chasing after The Black Scorpion didn't have our modern-day advantage of a black light, a flame-thrower, and a big-ass hammer. The movie would have been over way too early.
What can I say? Life's good at the top of the food chain.
Note: The producer wishes to point out that no scorpions were injured in the publishing of this post.
