Parrothead Ramblings

Mesa: The Ruprecht of Valley Cities.

Mesa, Arizona. Home of more mean old backed-up farts (MOBUFs)per capita than any city in the USA, with the possible exception of Washington, D.C. Remember Ruprecht, Steve Martin's character from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? Mesa is the Ruprecht of the Valley family, stashed away on the east side in hopes that it won't embarrass the rest of us. But we know it will. Whether it's by kicking smokers out of every restaurant in town, or having sex scandals in the police department, we know Mesa will do something stupid if we just give it time. There may be others, but Mesa is the only city of it's size I am aware of where some guy has devoted an entire website devoted solely to exposing city government corruption.

Now they have this running battle over whether to use tax rebates to subsidize a big retail development, anchored by a Bass Pro Shop, and the MOBUFs have forced a ballot proposition to try and run the Bass guys out of Mesa. The MOBUFs are probably spending more battling the rebate than the rebate would have paid out, anyway. I for one hope they don't run the Bass Pros all the way to Glendale, like the football stadium and hockey arena. The stadium was proposed for the same spot, and the arena just north and west a couple of miles in Scottsdale. MOBUFs and short-sighted conservatives ran them and their money fifty miles away over to Glendale, where they were welcomed with open arms.

But none of that is important now. Corruption isn't important. Good ol'Ruprecht pissing his pants at the dinner table isn't important, and the propositions pale in comparison to the latest:

Mesa wants $100,000 to add a monkey to its SWAT team.

I'm not talking about a big ol' I-don't-take-no-shit-off-nobody silver back gorilla, or even a couple of those mean bastards with the bright red ass and fangs that scares the shit out of everybody. That would be kind of cool. Let me put it this way: If you were holed up in an apartment, all liquored up, wearing your wife-beater tee shirt and NASCAR ball cap, and threatening to dice up your girlfriend with a meat cleaver, and the SWAT team shows up and says:

"Come on out, shit hook, or we're sending this really pissed off monkey with a red ass in there to get you. Your choice."

This standoff would be over yesterday, baby. Over!

But that's not what Mesa wants. They want something called a Capuchin Monkey -

One of these little turds.
I'm sure the very thought of this bad-ass will strike fear in the heart of any barricaded mass-murderer.

I guess they plan to strap a camera to lil' Pepe here, and send him in to dangerous situations for a look-see. Now, I know what you're thinking: What if the poor little guy takes a .40 S&W right in the dead center of mass? Well, Mesa has the answer: Kevlar. Strap some body armor on the little feller and send 'im on in there. You ever see the wound caused by a direct hit from a large caliber handgun into a Kevlar vest? Sure, it saves your life, but you've probably got a bruise that looks like you just caught a Randy Johnson fastball with your sternum. I'm guessing Pepe the Three Pound Police Monkey is gonna look like he got hit by a truck. Why not just send in a pizza to our barricaded killer? By the time the SWAT unit finally storms the place to shoot the bad guy and retrieve their monkey, Pepe will have been ground up into a burrito, anyway.

Hey, I ain't complaining. I'm looking forward to a few good laughs from The Mesa PD Monkey-Cam. At least until barricaded mass-murderer guy blasts his little primate ass into linguine. But inquiring Crime Dogs do have one question: What if Pepe misbehaves in training? Is the handler allowed to spank his monkey?
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