Parrothead Ramblings

Some things you never mix with a Speedo: Cold weather, Rotweilers, and these guys.

The Fetching Mrs. Crime Dog and I, along with a lot of out phellow Parrotheads from the AZPHC, had a very rewarding experience this past weekend. We all participated in preparing and serving food to a bunch of pholks not quite as fortunate as the rest of us. We served at a local shelter set up for the "residentially challenged," and apparently funded by a bunch of Methodists. Religion might be in the hands of some crazy-ass people, but that shelter was in very capable and caring hands. Props to the Methodists.

Of course, being Parrotheads, we whipped up a big-ass batch of cheeseburgers over at the Headbeak's crib. I don't know what it is about Headbeak's grill that causes it to produce more smoke than a burning Tiki Hut. Damned thing is like one of those machines they use to produce smoke for movies, pouring out thick clouds of animal-fat encrusted smoke till it looks like the whole house is on fire. Now, Headbeak and Flamingo Queen Kathy have a lot of great parties, and they live in a pretty nice neighborhood. The kind of 'hood, in fact, that's usually populated heavily by Mean Old Backed Up Farts (MOBUFs), so the local authorities have stopped in a few times to check on the festivities. So I'm guessing the local 911 operators already have a handle on where Headbeak lives. Hell, Headbeak probably sends them a club calendar, so they can prepare:

Riiiiiiing!

"911 Operator. What's the nature of your emergency?"

"OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! HURRY! My neighbor's house is on fire! There's smoke everywhere! Send help!"

OK, ma'am, just calm down. Computer here says you live at #12 Spooner Lane, that right?"

"Yessir! Please hurry! It's the house behind me!"

"Yes ma'am, we know that location. I suspect what you're seeing is a bunch of middle-aged drunks trying to cook cheeseburgers."

"NO WAY! No stupid cheeseburger makes that much smoke! Get somebody over here now!"

OK, well, I'll get started on that. In the meantime, do you have a two-story?"

"Um, yes, why do you ask."

"Well, ma'am, what I need you to do is to take your phone with you, go upstairs where you can see down into the yard, and tell me what you see."

"OK! No problem! I'm headed up! You know, I'm a Neighborhood Watch block Captain."

"Good to know we're dealing with a pro, ma'am. Now, what do you see?"

"Well, I can't tell yet. The smoke is too thick. Wait, here we go, it's clearing...and....WOW! You were right! There's a couple of guys with spatulas. They must be suffering from smoke inhalation, because they're both staggering."

"Doubtful. So, no need for a fire truck?"

"No, I guess not. But thanks anyw...........AAAIEEE!!" choke, sputter, gasp!!!
"What's wrong ma'am? Are you all right? What is it? Is it a stroke? Seizure? Heart attack? Ma'am, can you speak?"

"Yes.......I think so.....but I can't see. Oh my God! I'M BLIND!"

"What happened ma'am?"

"As the smoke cleared I suddenly saw a man with white hair and glasses, wearing only orange clogs and a Speedo. He was belly-bumping with a big guy, and the big guy was screaming 'Skinny women ain't hip!'It was horrible! I think my eyes are welded shut."

"Oh, OK, You'll be fine. Happens all the time. Go to a cool quiet place for an hour or so, relax and listen to some soft music while repeating to yourself: 'It wasn't real. It was only a dream. I'm in my happy place.' It'll clear up."

"OK, thanks. I'll do that. I've been trying to lose weight, anyway. NowI won't be able to eat for a week, so there is an up side."

click!

"Whew! Glad that one is over. Last month, that dude was wearing a thong. Lady is still in I.C.U."
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