Parrothead Ramblings

...............Which it will be, wayfaring stranger? Choose wisely...............

The New England Patriots are now considered a "dynasty." Can't argue with that. They've won three out of the last four Super Bowls. We Zonies have never had such luck. Sure, we won the World Series in '01, but then lost 111 games last year. Our Suns might be in the second round of the playoffs now, but they were regularly beaten like a rented mule last year. The hockey Coyotes disappoint every season, and the Cardinals? Forget about it. Easily the most dismal franchise in NFL history. No one shows up for their games, and the only reason they're still in Arizona is because nobody else wants them.

So what do we have to hang our hats on? Well, I'll tell you. I was watching Dateline NBC Sunday night, and they did a bit on the worst ten streets in America with the highest number of fatal speeding-related crashes. Phoenix has seven of them. Beat that, you Boston chowderheads.

Seven out of ten??? In the entire United States, from Fairbanks to Key West, Chula Vista to Caribou, of all those thousands upon thousands of miles of city streets, including those idiots in LA, if you pick the ten worst streets for speed-related fatalities, we have 70% of them right here in good ol' Phoenix.

Damn, we're good. Here they are, as near as I can make out, in order of bloodletting over the past five years:

1) Indian School
2) 7th Street
3) Thomas
4) Camelback
5) 51st Avenue
6) Bell Road
7) McDowell

I can't imagine the carnage that must be ongoing at 7th Street and Indian School!

By now you're thinking, "Thanks, Crime Dog! Now I can avoid those death traps!" Well, good luck pilgrim. Just try driving across the metro area while avoiding the "Big 7." Gonna take the freeways? Fine. While the Big 7 were sending 200 to that big pre-party in the sky, the freeways were shipping off nearly twice that number.

The way I see it, the real trick here is to simply avoid going either east or west, since five of the seven run those directions. Staying off 7th Street and 51st Avenue, the only north/souths, should be fairly simple. Of course, even if you never again go east/west, you still have to cross those bad boys from time to time.

So, what's the answer? Glad you asked. It's anIbis Tek SUV mounted machine gun. Get them before they get you. Let's say you're cruising down 3rd Street, safe as a child in church. Well, a protestant church, anyway. But then you reach.....Camelback. Now what? Before, you were relegated to waiting for the light to change, then waiting for the late left-turners, then the out-and-out-red-light runners, then making sure there are no high-speed pursuits or hurtling fire engines heading your way. Finally - all clear, you creep out, looking both ways, and SHIT! Damned light turned red again.

With the new Cobra from Ibis Tek, you can remove all the worry and hesitation. Once the light turns green, you simply sweep Camelback in each direction with a couple of bursts from your joystick-controlled .50 caliber machine gun. One three-second barrage will shred that Kia doing 50 down Camelback while the asswipe driver scrounges the floorboard for his favorite Green Day CD.

Snowbird problems? Not any more! Viper's 30mm cannon will turn that blue-haired maniac and her Buick Roadmaster into so much Geritol-impregnated scrap metal.

Take your new Jackal on your next commute, and you won't need that stupid HOV lane. You can part any traffic jam like Moses and the Red Sea.

Obviously, you run the risk of being charged criminally for using a machine gun to vaporize errant drivers. Go ahead, Mr. County Attorney, make my day. Just try finding a jury who will convict. Once they hear the evidence, they'll all be chomping at the bit to get out of the courthouse so they can order their own Ibis Tek vehicle.

Some things are just so simple, you wonder why we didn't think of 'em earlier.
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