Wednesday, July 27, 2005
And Now, From The Crime Dog News Room......
And what do I hear for Bill Pullman's light saber, ladies?
The space shuttle Discovery crew began a careful external inspection of the craft today. Seems they want to make sure that none of their shit fell off when they blasted into space. Good idea. Instead of a "walk around," they do a "float around". I wonder if they blame one another if they find a dent in it? "It didn't happen while I was driving! It was probably her!"
President Bush is lobbying for the passage of the Central American Free Trade Agreement, which would remove tariffs and other barriers between the U.S. and the six Central American nations. Great idea. See, it's only fair that we now allow them to crush the American textile and sugar industries. We did steal all of their best beisbol players, after all. They're relegated to three guys with one mitt between them and a monkey at third base. Pepe's hitting .243 on the season and has three less errors than Troy Glaus.
Supreme Court nominee John Roberts on Tuesday urged "an end to judicial activism." Good luck there, John. We might look stupid, but we isn't. We all know that's just code talk for "an end to Roe v. Wade" and a woman's right to choose. Judicial activism sucked then, but it was cool when it stopped the Florida recounts? Look, John. We can go from Phoenix to Tucson by way of Flagstaff, Winslow, and Safford. It's a pain in the ass, and entirely the wrong way to do it, but guess what? We reached the correct destination. Wow....that was profound. And I'm a freakin' conservative.
Finally, you Star Wars-ophiles should be digging deep into your wallets and requesting big limit increases on your Visa cards. That's the only way you'll get a shot at original Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker light sabers, which have been placed on the auction block by some Beverly Hills gazillionaire. They're expected to fetch like $60,000. Now, I'd be the first in line if I could actually use one of these things to slice through steel and shit (or maybe even limes), but I'm pretty sure they're just mag lights with some cool-looking buttons. I think you can pick one up at Toys R Us for a lot less.
This is The Crime Dog News Room signing off, with all the news that's fit to ridicule. See you tomorrow!
