Monday, June 01, 2009


The Affair of the Clown

Parrotheads putting their best efforts to work for the needy at UMOM!

A great number of Arizona Parrotheads converged Saturday on the United Methodist Outreach Ministry in central Phoenix, spaghetti-laden crock pots, garlic bread, and desserts in tow to help that worthwhile organization feed about 230 folks, people who might be a little less fortunate than perhaps most of us are. And feed them we did, until everyone got their fill (including the Parrotheads), and we still had a few metric tons of delicious pasta left over. A great time, rewarding and enjoyable, was had by all. Well, almost all.....and that's where this story begins. It may not be a 100% accurate depiction of the event, but The Crime Dog never lets the truth get in the way of a good story.

One of our more delightful participants was the always fetching Lexy the Clown, colorfully arrayed in makeup, clown suit and hat, Mardi Gras beads in hand, making the day just a little brighter for a bunch of lovely children. She was, as usual, fantastic. A powder room break brought Lexy the Clown in touch with a little girl who required some assistance. One part of that was assisting the munchkin in getting some hand soap out of the dispenser, mounted too high on the wall for her to reach. As the child expectantly extended her cupped little hands to catch the glob of soap, Lexy the Clown kindly gave the dispenser button a push, and......

somehow blasted the poor kid in the face with it.

The munchkin erupted in a hair curling screech, as you might expect after getting zapped in the eyes with a tablespoon of hand soap. It gets a little foggy what happened then. I prefer to visualize it as several frantic Parrotheads filling the sink with water, holding the child by the ankles and dunking her head up and down in the water several times to get the soap out of her eyes, but my guess it was not quite so dramatic.

Now, let's play role reversal. Let's say it' about Woody in the clown suit instead? Visualize this:

A middle-aged man in a clown suit, pockets full of suckers and pretty beads, takes a little boy into the bathroom. Seconds later, the kid shrieks, other adults enter to help, only to find Woody the Clown grappling with a hysterically screaming four year old boy. In the mens room.

Stop mister! Please! You're HURTING me! Why did you squirt that on me? AIIIEEEE!!!

I'm guessing we'd be seeing Woody on the evening news, verge of tears, makeup running, holding up a little sign with his name and booking number on it. Both frontal and profile. No reward and no bail.

Wish I was somewhere than here, down in some honky tonk sippin' on a beer....


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