Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Krankhaus Adventures
Well, I'm still here and still dancin'. Today is the first day that my leg has actually looked relatively normal, and I feel good. I had no idea when I went to the ER last Monday that I would be a guest for anything more than a few hours, but took one urgent care, two ER's, four doctors, countless PA's and nurses, six days in the hospital, five shots in the gut, and I think we're up to seven antibiotics now. I don't even want to know how much this cost.
The folks at Mercy Gilbert were terrific. They were were attentive and patient, always answering my stupid questions and laughing at my lame jokes.
The morning I arrived at the ER, the nurse working the front desk took one look at me, and before I could say a word, asked "So, having a problem with your right leg?"
Wow. Is it that obvious?
"It looks like it's on fire."
It is. Please put it out.
The ER doc walked in, took one glance at my leg, said "I'm keeping you," scribbled something on a clipboard, and left. I wonder how much THAT cost me?
So, they got me up to a room, and my nurse came in and asked me all of the same questions I had already answered about six times, but then out of the blue asked:
"Do you feel safe at home?"
It took me a second to process the question before I could answer with a Huh?
"Do you feel safe at home?"
Um....yeah? It's like the only place I DO feel safe.
"We have to ask."
That night, the charge nurse came in to visit. What a nice woman, very sweet. She was one of those "touchy-feely" types, which is cool with me, but she apparently forgot why I was there. She had her hand resting on my left knee, and as she turned to leave, she good-naturedly slapped my right leg. Naturally, I screamed like a Girl Scout at a Jonas Brothers concert. She could not stop apologizing, even though I assured it really didn't hurt so much as it startled me. An hour or so later, she stuck her head in the door and asked
"Mark? Can I ask you something and you promise to be 100% honest with me?"
Now, I'm thinking somebody broke into the morphine cabinet and I'm a suspect.
Um, sure.
"Has your service here been good? Do you have any complaints or problems whatsoever?"
I assured her everything was fine, no problems, it was The Phoenician with drugs and motorized beds.
Interesting observations:
Did you know that the guy at Urgent Care will charge you your $75 deductible just to tell you he can't do anything for you and you need to go to the ER? I didn't.
I never knew prior to this that they have absolutely no healthy food whatsoever in the hospital. The just serve you the same shit that probably got you there in the first place. I guess maybe it's good for return business.
Did you know you can taste some of the stuff they put in your IV? Even the clear saline they flush it with tastes like cheap vodka. The worst was one of the antibiotics, which tasted very much like an old Converse All Star high top sneaker that had just been worn by a dude nicknamed "ToeJam" in a three-day basketball tournament held in a feed lot.
Did you know ultrasounds hurt? Especially when you're a guy, you have a leg infection, and it has managed to work its way all the way up that place that makes you a guy. That's when the ultrasound lady jams that thing in your crotch so hard you can feel it in the back of your throat. It was quick, though, and I got her to admit that it would have taken much longer had I been, say, Matthew McConaghey.
Did you know that high dosage IV antibiotics can also kill the bacteria that you need in your colon for it to work properly? And if that happens, you can get something called infectious diarrhea. And if that's not unsavory enough, one of the ways they cure it is by collecting healthy shit from a relative and pounding it up your ass to replace the missing native bacteria. Doesn't that sound like a hoot? Sorry I missed out.
And, on that note.....Good Day!
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The folks at Mercy Gilbert were terrific. They were were attentive and patient, always answering my stupid questions and laughing at my lame jokes.
The morning I arrived at the ER, the nurse working the front desk took one look at me, and before I could say a word, asked "So, having a problem with your right leg?"
Wow. Is it that obvious?
"It looks like it's on fire."
It is. Please put it out.
The ER doc walked in, took one glance at my leg, said "I'm keeping you," scribbled something on a clipboard, and left. I wonder how much THAT cost me?
So, they got me up to a room, and my nurse came in and asked me all of the same questions I had already answered about six times, but then out of the blue asked:
"Do you feel safe at home?"
It took me a second to process the question before I could answer with a Huh?
"Do you feel safe at home?"
Um....yeah? It's like the only place I DO feel safe.
"We have to ask."
That night, the charge nurse came in to visit. What a nice woman, very sweet. She was one of those "touchy-feely" types, which is cool with me, but she apparently forgot why I was there. She had her hand resting on my left knee, and as she turned to leave, she good-naturedly slapped my right leg. Naturally, I screamed like a Girl Scout at a Jonas Brothers concert. She could not stop apologizing, even though I assured it really didn't hurt so much as it startled me. An hour or so later, she stuck her head in the door and asked
"Mark? Can I ask you something and you promise to be 100% honest with me?"
Now, I'm thinking somebody broke into the morphine cabinet and I'm a suspect.
Um, sure.
"Has your service here been good? Do you have any complaints or problems whatsoever?"
I assured her everything was fine, no problems, it was The Phoenician with drugs and motorized beds.
Interesting observations:
Did you know that the guy at Urgent Care will charge you your $75 deductible just to tell you he can't do anything for you and you need to go to the ER? I didn't.
I never knew prior to this that they have absolutely no healthy food whatsoever in the hospital. The just serve you the same shit that probably got you there in the first place. I guess maybe it's good for return business.
Did you know you can taste some of the stuff they put in your IV? Even the clear saline they flush it with tastes like cheap vodka. The worst was one of the antibiotics, which tasted very much like an old Converse All Star high top sneaker that had just been worn by a dude nicknamed "ToeJam" in a three-day basketball tournament held in a feed lot.
Did you know ultrasounds hurt? Especially when you're a guy, you have a leg infection, and it has managed to work its way all the way up that place that makes you a guy. That's when the ultrasound lady jams that thing in your crotch so hard you can feel it in the back of your throat. It was quick, though, and I got her to admit that it would have taken much longer had I been, say, Matthew McConaghey.
Did you know that high dosage IV antibiotics can also kill the bacteria that you need in your colon for it to work properly? And if that happens, you can get something called infectious diarrhea. And if that's not unsavory enough, one of the ways they cure it is by collecting healthy shit from a relative and pounding it up your ass to replace the missing native bacteria. Doesn't that sound like a hoot? Sorry I missed out.
And, on that note.....Good Day!
