Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Fun and Games At the Grocery Store
Do you ever get bored at the grocery store while you wait for your companion to compare nutrition information and prices on twelve different jars of peanut butter? It happens. Let me help with a new and exciting grocery store game:
When you know you're going to the grocery store later in the day, slam a big bowl of beans, pickled eggs, crab cakes, broccoli, or whatever else turns you into a flatulist (New word of the day).
When you feel a particularly volatile fart coming on, position yourself strategically about midway down an empty aisle. Once you are in position, you have to understand that timing is everything. You also need to make sure you have a grocery cart with you, so that you blend with the other shoppers. All systems are go now - let 'er fly. Walk away...slowly at first so that you do not create a slipstream that will cause your handiwork to follow you...and then HAUL ASS! Sprint to the corner make the turn and sprint down the next aisle to about the midway point. If you've timed it correctly, the next shopper - the "mark" - should be coming down the aisle you just gassed and vacated. Wait it out until the mark is a few feet from ground zero, then haul ass again, make the corner back to the bombed out aisle, hit the brakes and act normally.
Try to catch the mark just as he clears ground zero, then wave your arms animatedly, fanning the stench, while making a face and saying "Oh, DUDE!"
Try to get it on video. Could be worth a lot of money on that "funniest videos" show.
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When you know you're going to the grocery store later in the day, slam a big bowl of beans, pickled eggs, crab cakes, broccoli, or whatever else turns you into a flatulist (New word of the day).
When you feel a particularly volatile fart coming on, position yourself strategically about midway down an empty aisle. Once you are in position, you have to understand that timing is everything. You also need to make sure you have a grocery cart with you, so that you blend with the other shoppers. All systems are go now - let 'er fly. Walk away...slowly at first so that you do not create a slipstream that will cause your handiwork to follow you...and then HAUL ASS! Sprint to the corner make the turn and sprint down the next aisle to about the midway point. If you've timed it correctly, the next shopper - the "mark" - should be coming down the aisle you just gassed and vacated. Wait it out until the mark is a few feet from ground zero, then haul ass again, make the corner back to the bombed out aisle, hit the brakes and act normally.
Try to catch the mark just as he clears ground zero, then wave your arms animatedly, fanning the stench, while making a face and saying "Oh, DUDE!"
Try to get it on video. Could be worth a lot of money on that "funniest videos" show.
