Sunday, January 27, 2008
Damn, And Before I Could Get A Chance To Retire!
I just saw a show on the History Channel about ancient Mayan calendars. Turns out they had an uncanny knack for predictions, and their 5000 year old calendar ends on December 21, 2010. So, that's it, people. The world will end just as you're trying to finish up your last-minute Christmas shopping, less than three years from now.
It's not all bad news, though. There's strength in this knowledge. I once read that you have to be over three months behind on your mortgage payment before the bank will start foreclosure proceedings, and it takes another three months to work through the process and get to a trustee sale. If I calculate correctly, that means you can stop making your house payment in June, and the world will end before you lose your house. If you're making a $1,400 payment - which is not even on the high end in these parts - that's $8,400 you can save. You can have a lot of fun with that king of bank.
Wait, it gets better! Take out a $150,000 on a home equity line of credit about the same time, and you can just go crazy. Buy a Viper, and use it to get a whole shitload of traffic tickets that you'll never have a chance to pay. Maybe even go about 100mph past those photo radars on the 101, and flip a bird to the camera as you go by. Eat a lot of rich food that costs a fortune and clogs up your arteries. Travel the world and act like an asshole doing it. Drink all you want, get drunk every night, maybe even take up smoking and try heroin just for the hell of it. You'll be dead long before you need rehab. Show up at a Westboro Baptist Church demonstration and punch Shirley Phelps right in the face. Hard. You might have to leave the jurisdiction, but that's cool, because nobody is going to extradite you back there for bitch slapping that hateful, twisted, sick, demented, inbred harpy.
Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
Oh, and did I mention you won't have to drop a load of cash on Christmas presents that will just get vaporized before Christmas morning?
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It's not all bad news, though. There's strength in this knowledge. I once read that you have to be over three months behind on your mortgage payment before the bank will start foreclosure proceedings, and it takes another three months to work through the process and get to a trustee sale. If I calculate correctly, that means you can stop making your house payment in June, and the world will end before you lose your house. If you're making a $1,400 payment - which is not even on the high end in these parts - that's $8,400 you can save. You can have a lot of fun with that king of bank.
Wait, it gets better! Take out a $150,000 on a home equity line of credit about the same time, and you can just go crazy. Buy a Viper, and use it to get a whole shitload of traffic tickets that you'll never have a chance to pay. Maybe even go about 100mph past those photo radars on the 101, and flip a bird to the camera as you go by. Eat a lot of rich food that costs a fortune and clogs up your arteries. Travel the world and act like an asshole doing it. Drink all you want, get drunk every night, maybe even take up smoking and try heroin just for the hell of it. You'll be dead long before you need rehab. Show up at a Westboro Baptist Church demonstration and punch Shirley Phelps right in the face. Hard. You might have to leave the jurisdiction, but that's cool, because nobody is going to extradite you back there for bitch slapping that hateful, twisted, sick, demented, inbred harpy.
Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
Oh, and did I mention you won't have to drop a load of cash on Christmas presents that will just get vaporized before Christmas morning?
