Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Life In The Fast Lane Through The Looking Glass
You ever watch yourself drive a car at high speed down a freeway, live? I just did so yesterday for the first time. It's a cool experience.
I was headed south on the 17 a little faster than the flow of traffic. I came upon a slow moving glass truck ahead of me, and switched lanes to go around him on the left. This was one of those pickup trucks, outfitted with a rack to carry giganti-normous sheets of glass on the side , nearly perpendicular to the ground. The glass he had strapped to his left side was so reflective that it looked like a giant mirror. As I passed him, I looked over.....and there I was! It was like a 75MPH out of body experience. I could barely make out the outline of my huge bald head as I went by, because my windows are tinted rather dark.
So, like any self-aware man of the new millennium, I slowed down so the glass guy could catch back up and I could get a second look. He pulled alongside, and I rolled down my passenger window.
Yeah, that's right. Crime Dog. You look cool cruising along with those shades, and that one arm just lying across the wheel, leaned back in your seat like that. Not.
So I did what anyone would do in such a situation: Checked my part. Made sure no broccoli was clinging to my front teeth. Checked out the profile. Then started making faces at myself. The big smile, the fake grimace, the tongue sticking out, the big open-mouthed artificial laugh. Then I did the one-handed Phinz Up sign. That looked so cool I drove with my knees for a while and did the two-handed version. No small feat at freeway speeds, if I do so say so myself. The glass guy finally realized he had a complete idiot in the car next to him, and slowed down so I would go on by.
Party pooper.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead and pile on. You're an unsafe driver, Crime Dog. You're careless, a menace, blah blah blah ad nauseum. I'm a better driver with my kneecaps then you are with your hands at 10 and 2. And I almost never hit anything.
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I was headed south on the 17 a little faster than the flow of traffic. I came upon a slow moving glass truck ahead of me, and switched lanes to go around him on the left. This was one of those pickup trucks, outfitted with a rack to carry giganti-normous sheets of glass on the side , nearly perpendicular to the ground. The glass he had strapped to his left side was so reflective that it looked like a giant mirror. As I passed him, I looked over.....and there I was! It was like a 75MPH out of body experience. I could barely make out the outline of my huge bald head as I went by, because my windows are tinted rather dark.
So, like any self-aware man of the new millennium, I slowed down so the glass guy could catch back up and I could get a second look. He pulled alongside, and I rolled down my passenger window.
Yeah, that's right. Crime Dog. You look cool cruising along with those shades, and that one arm just lying across the wheel, leaned back in your seat like that. Not.
So I did what anyone would do in such a situation: Checked my part. Made sure no broccoli was clinging to my front teeth. Checked out the profile. Then started making faces at myself. The big smile, the fake grimace, the tongue sticking out, the big open-mouthed artificial laugh. Then I did the one-handed Phinz Up sign. That looked so cool I drove with my knees for a while and did the two-handed version. No small feat at freeway speeds, if I do so say so myself. The glass guy finally realized he had a complete idiot in the car next to him, and slowed down so I would go on by.
Party pooper.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead and pile on. You're an unsafe driver, Crime Dog. You're careless, a menace, blah blah blah ad nauseum. I'm a better driver with my kneecaps then you are with your hands at 10 and 2. And I almost never hit anything.
