Friday, April 07, 2006
Crime Dog's Guide To Crime Prevention
People who know what business I'm in ask me all the time, "Hey, Crime Dog, how do I keep my car from getting stolen by some asshole?" There just ain't a simple answer to that question. Oh, you'll get all sorts of advice about alarms, kill switches, immobilizers, Clubs, brake locks, Lojacks, GPS systems, transponder systems, yada yada yada. There's no end to folks who are willing to separate you from your cash for whatever the latest, trendiest, coolest anti-theft device happens to be. But here's a little piece of unwaivering, undeniable, universal truth for you:
If some shit heel wants your vehicle badly enough, he'll get it.
Period.
So, using deductive reasoning, one can conclude that the most effective method of preventing theft is really quite simple: Own a car so repulsive that no one will steal it.
Yeah, I know, you love those big, beautiful, gas guzzlin' full size Tahoes, Suburbans, Silverados and F250s. King of the road, baby! But here's another bit of ugly truth for you: Ford and GM make a weak-ass lock system, easily defeated in seconds. That's why by the time you wake up in the morning, they've already crossed the border six times hauling in dope and illegals, and dumped what's left of your pretty truck out on the desert south of Gila Bend.
So, Crime Dog, what do I do?
Trade the damn thing for a Volvo, or a Plymouth Sundance, or some rolling turd of an old beater. Only a complete idiot would risk a felony arrest for that shit, and we usually end up catching the complete idiots.
But Crime Dog! I love my Escalade! Can't I use a Club, or maybe an alarm?
Sure. These might just prevent a thief from taking your vehicle from the thief who took it from you. Want a real ant-theft device? Here's what you do:
Take a shit on the back seat. See, car thieves have this unwritten rule that says "never steal a car with a pile of steaming turds in it." You'll have plenty of time to get used to the smell, but they won't bother. It's simple, and it works. Better yet, it's free.
Of course, layered protection is even safer. Two anti-theft systems are always better than just one. For the added cost of a can of spray paint, you can assure yourself that your car will always be right where you left it. Simply spray paint a catchy phrase on the sides and hood of your car. Maybe something like "I dig anal sex" or "Pedophile and Proud." One of the most effective is "Cops are nazi assholes. This means YOU!" Now, THAT one is guaranteed!
Litigation being what it is today, it's tough to get away with rigging a loaded shotgun to blast anybody who opens the door, or wiring your car up to the 220 volt outlet by your clothes dryer. Don't get me wrong - those work really well. But then you have to dispose of the body and clean off your driveway, which can become a real pain in the ass and bite into your beer drinking time.
There IS a system that can detect and interdict thieves, effectively stop them, and even return your vehicle to you. It's not cheap by any stretch of the imagination, but it's worth every penny to not have to take a shit in your car. You'll find it here, and I wish you luck.
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If some shit heel wants your vehicle badly enough, he'll get it.
Period.
So, using deductive reasoning, one can conclude that the most effective method of preventing theft is really quite simple: Own a car so repulsive that no one will steal it.
Yeah, I know, you love those big, beautiful, gas guzzlin' full size Tahoes, Suburbans, Silverados and F250s. King of the road, baby! But here's another bit of ugly truth for you: Ford and GM make a weak-ass lock system, easily defeated in seconds. That's why by the time you wake up in the morning, they've already crossed the border six times hauling in dope and illegals, and dumped what's left of your pretty truck out on the desert south of Gila Bend.
So, Crime Dog, what do I do?
Trade the damn thing for a Volvo, or a Plymouth Sundance, or some rolling turd of an old beater. Only a complete idiot would risk a felony arrest for that shit, and we usually end up catching the complete idiots.
But Crime Dog! I love my Escalade! Can't I use a Club, or maybe an alarm?
Sure. These might just prevent a thief from taking your vehicle from the thief who took it from you. Want a real ant-theft device? Here's what you do:
Take a shit on the back seat. See, car thieves have this unwritten rule that says "never steal a car with a pile of steaming turds in it." You'll have plenty of time to get used to the smell, but they won't bother. It's simple, and it works. Better yet, it's free.
Of course, layered protection is even safer. Two anti-theft systems are always better than just one. For the added cost of a can of spray paint, you can assure yourself that your car will always be right where you left it. Simply spray paint a catchy phrase on the sides and hood of your car. Maybe something like "I dig anal sex" or "Pedophile and Proud." One of the most effective is "Cops are nazi assholes. This means YOU!" Now, THAT one is guaranteed!
Litigation being what it is today, it's tough to get away with rigging a loaded shotgun to blast anybody who opens the door, or wiring your car up to the 220 volt outlet by your clothes dryer. Don't get me wrong - those work really well. But then you have to dispose of the body and clean off your driveway, which can become a real pain in the ass and bite into your beer drinking time.
There IS a system that can detect and interdict thieves, effectively stop them, and even return your vehicle to you. It's not cheap by any stretch of the imagination, but it's worth every penny to not have to take a shit in your car. You'll find it here, and I wish you luck.
