Friday, March 03, 2006
Profiles In Stupidity II
So today, as agreed, I call back. Different guy, same virtually indecipherable accent:
Thank you for calling Complete Fucking Idiot Mortgage. This is Plooth. How may I help you?
"Sorry, but what was your name again? I didn't quite catch it."
Plooth, sir, spelled B - R - U - C - E.
"Thanks Plooth. I faxed blah bah twice blah blah calling back blah blah payment history blah blah yada yada."
So, how is it that I can help you, sir?
A payment history, Plooth. I need a (very slow, clear enunciation)
PAY-MENT HI - STO - RY."
You need a payment history?
"Yes, Plooth. Yes, praise all that is holy, yes, a payment history."
Yes, sir. I can't do that over the phone. Simply request the payment history in writing, enclose a $10 processing fee, and it will be ready in three working days.
I'm fighting back anger now....."Plooth, understand something: This has been in process for ten days. I need the information now. I know that you are aware that President George Bush is visiting Pakistan today. The Pakistanis are your sworn, mortal enemies. What you don't know is that George and I go way back. We're buddies. He dated my sister and I got him high in college. One phone call from me, and you will be living in a gigantic glow-in-the-dark parking lot about the same temperature as our sun."
"Yes sir, thank you. How far back would you like to go with the payment history."
"Six months will be fine, Plooth." (Now holding phone at arm's length and shouting.) "Hey hon, you still on the phone with Laura? Good, tell her to tell George to take the nuclear option off the table. Plooth is cooperating."
Outsource that, you little curry-eating prick.
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Thank you for calling Complete Fucking Idiot Mortgage. This is Plooth. How may I help you?
"Sorry, but what was your name again? I didn't quite catch it."
Plooth, sir, spelled B - R - U - C - E.
"Thanks Plooth. I faxed blah bah twice blah blah calling back blah blah payment history blah blah yada yada."
So, how is it that I can help you, sir?
A payment history, Plooth. I need a (very slow, clear enunciation)
PAY-MENT HI - STO - RY."
You need a payment history?
"Yes, Plooth. Yes, praise all that is holy, yes, a payment history."
Yes, sir. I can't do that over the phone. Simply request the payment history in writing, enclose a $10 processing fee, and it will be ready in three working days.
I'm fighting back anger now....."Plooth, understand something: This has been in process for ten days. I need the information now. I know that you are aware that President George Bush is visiting Pakistan today. The Pakistanis are your sworn, mortal enemies. What you don't know is that George and I go way back. We're buddies. He dated my sister and I got him high in college. One phone call from me, and you will be living in a gigantic glow-in-the-dark parking lot about the same temperature as our sun."
"Yes sir, thank you. How far back would you like to go with the payment history."
"Six months will be fine, Plooth." (Now holding phone at arm's length and shouting.) "Hey hon, you still on the phone with Laura? Good, tell her to tell George to take the nuclear option off the table. Plooth is cooperating."
Outsource that, you little curry-eating prick.
