Friday, March 03, 2006
Profiles In Stupidity
With fraud being a financial crime, an important part of any fraud investigation is your subject's financial background. Privacy issues being what they are these days, it's important to have a signed authorization from the person you are investigating before you seek information from third parties. So, I secured said signed authorization from my party last week and called his mortgage company at a local phone number. A nice lady on the other end of the blower told me in strongly accented English to fax the authorization to them and give them three working days to look it over before calling back.
I'm thinking Three working days? Just to "look over" a one page signed authorization? OK, lady, you got what I want, I'll play by your rules. Three days it is. Hell, I'll give you four, just to be sure nobody hurts themselves trying to rush through this.
I call as agreed four days later. I get a nice lady on the phone, still with the heavily accented English:
Allo, Somewhat Inept Mortgage Company. How may I help you?
"I faxed over an authorization from Mr. Joe Blow last week, and I need a payment history on his account, please." I give her the account number. She goes away, comes back a few minutes later.
I don't see that we received the authorization, sir. To what number did you fax it?
I read it back to her.
Well, sir, that is the correct number. I don't know what happened to it. Fax it to me directly to my desk at xxx-xxxx and I'll see to it personally. Call me back in an hour's time.
I agree, tell her I appreciate her effort, but I won't be able to call back until the next day. I hang up and fax it again, while thinking, "who the hell uses the phrase 'an hour's time'?"
I call back the next day. This time, I get a guy, but still with the accented English:
Allo, Stupid Bastard Mortgage. This is Enos. How may I help you?
Blah, blah, faxed an authorization blah blah got lost blah blah resent it blah blah,I need the payment history on the account blah blah.
He goes away a couple of minutes, then comes back.
I don't see that we've received it. To what number did you fax it?
Gimme a break here, dude.......I give him the name and number of the person to whom I faxed it.
She's not working today. I'll have to find it.
He puts me on hold. Forever. I need to shave when he comes back.
OK, well, I found both of them!
"Great! Thanks!"
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
"Uh, yeah. Remember? That's why I called. The payment history. I need the information. It's the reason I faxed the authorization to you in the first place."
Oh, I see. Hold just a moment.
The Final Jeapordy theme song is pounding in my ears. I draw social security while waiting. He finally comes back on the line:
All right sir. I've made that notation on the account. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Now I'm getting frustrated just a wee bit.
"Let me explain this to you, Enos: I sent you a signed authorization from your account holder, allowing me access to all of his information. I faxed it. Waited four days. You lost it. I faxed it again. You lost it again. Then you found it. Both of them. I sent them to you for a reason: to secure this information. May I have it?"
Hold, please.
Now I'm just about over the top. I pop a couple of blood pressure pills in an effort to get that big vein in my forehead to calm down. I wait. And wait. And wait.
Sir? That has to be looked over by our document verification department. You'll need to call us back in three working days.
My windows begin to rattle. Scully runs from the room. Birds fly in fright from a tree in front of my home.
"Now look, Enos. Buddy. Pal. I'm not waiting three more working days for you to lose my paperwork again and give me the ol' two step. Tell me where you're located. I will hand carry the authorization to you. I will personally show it to your document verification person. We can conference call the account holder. Whatever it takes. Just give me your address."
Sir, we are in India.
I'm still searching for the top of my head. If you see it, let me know.
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I'm thinking Three working days? Just to "look over" a one page signed authorization? OK, lady, you got what I want, I'll play by your rules. Three days it is. Hell, I'll give you four, just to be sure nobody hurts themselves trying to rush through this.
I call as agreed four days later. I get a nice lady on the phone, still with the heavily accented English:
Allo, Somewhat Inept Mortgage Company. How may I help you?
"I faxed over an authorization from Mr. Joe Blow last week, and I need a payment history on his account, please." I give her the account number. She goes away, comes back a few minutes later.
I don't see that we received the authorization, sir. To what number did you fax it?
I read it back to her.
Well, sir, that is the correct number. I don't know what happened to it. Fax it to me directly to my desk at xxx-xxxx and I'll see to it personally. Call me back in an hour's time.
I agree, tell her I appreciate her effort, but I won't be able to call back until the next day. I hang up and fax it again, while thinking, "who the hell uses the phrase 'an hour's time'?"
I call back the next day. This time, I get a guy, but still with the accented English:
Allo, Stupid Bastard Mortgage. This is Enos. How may I help you?
Blah, blah, faxed an authorization blah blah got lost blah blah resent it blah blah,I need the payment history on the account blah blah.
He goes away a couple of minutes, then comes back.
I don't see that we've received it. To what number did you fax it?
Gimme a break here, dude.......I give him the name and number of the person to whom I faxed it.
She's not working today. I'll have to find it.
He puts me on hold. Forever. I need to shave when he comes back.
OK, well, I found both of them!
"Great! Thanks!"
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
"Uh, yeah. Remember? That's why I called. The payment history. I need the information. It's the reason I faxed the authorization to you in the first place."
Oh, I see. Hold just a moment.
The Final Jeapordy theme song is pounding in my ears. I draw social security while waiting. He finally comes back on the line:
All right sir. I've made that notation on the account. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Now I'm getting frustrated just a wee bit.
"Let me explain this to you, Enos: I sent you a signed authorization from your account holder, allowing me access to all of his information. I faxed it. Waited four days. You lost it. I faxed it again. You lost it again. Then you found it. Both of them. I sent them to you for a reason: to secure this information. May I have it?"
Hold, please.
Now I'm just about over the top. I pop a couple of blood pressure pills in an effort to get that big vein in my forehead to calm down. I wait. And wait. And wait.
Sir? That has to be looked over by our document verification department. You'll need to call us back in three working days.
My windows begin to rattle. Scully runs from the room. Birds fly in fright from a tree in front of my home.
"Now look, Enos. Buddy. Pal. I'm not waiting three more working days for you to lose my paperwork again and give me the ol' two step. Tell me where you're located. I will hand carry the authorization to you. I will personally show it to your document verification person. We can conference call the account holder. Whatever it takes. Just give me your address."
Sir, we are in India.
I'm still searching for the top of my head. If you see it, let me know.
