Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Canadian Crime Of Passion
Pholks who know me fairly well know that I was once a police officer. I loved that job, and I was damn good at it, too, until I got caught in a gravity storm one day in the Sacramento Mountains and ruined my leg. Other than being stupid enough to fall off a mountain, I was a pretty smart cop. I actually finished second overall in my academy class, and had the highest GPA.
All together now: OOOOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.
See, I actually studied. That's the secret. Took me till I was 25 to figure that shit out. Which explains why I was a GI in basic training on my 18th birthday instead of a college student drinking beer and chasing women.
I still remember a lot of the things they taught me at the New Mexico Law Enforcement Academy. One of my favorites is that in police work, you have this thing they call a "clue." You don't have to be Kojack, Dirty Harry, or a Mensa candidate to find clues. Most of the time, you just open your eyes and look.
Simple.
Here's a little test, just to prove the point:
Let's say you're a uniformed police officer, assigned to secure a government building. Whatever you do, you must protect the people in this building by not letting any dangerous wack-jobs get in. So there you are, looking everybody over when a dude that looks like this shows up at your checkpoint:
Hmmmm. Better check this pork chop out, you say to yourself. In doing so, you find that he's carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a blood-stained chain saw. What is the proper course of action in dealing with this guy?
1) Stop worrying and let him in. He seems like a nice enough guy.
2) Take his toys away, then let him in.
3) Politely turn him away, and go about your business.
4) Lock him and his toys up and don't let him so much as fart in the parking lot
until you figure out just what the fuck his problem is.
If your answer is anything but "4," congratulations. You just qualified to be a US Customs agent. This turnip showed up at a US/Canada border crossing last week. Our guys apparently forgot that class they took on "clues," and selected option #2 for dealing with this sweetheart.
As you might expect, Canadian authorities discovered a couple of bodies the following day in Leatherface's home town. One was decapited and his head stuffed into a pillowcase, while the other was heavily ventilated with a knife. Or maybe a homemade sword.
Thankfully, some cops in Massachusetts caught him wandering around in a bloody sweatshirt and arrested him. Evidently he hadn't had time to stop in at the Husqvarna outlet store for a new chain saw, so no harm, no foul. I guess you can't fault the Customs guys for letting him in. I mean, it's not like bad guys are trying to get into our country or anything, right?
Besides, if they're out there arresting chain saw and axe murderers, who's going to protect Pfizer's profits by stopping that devious flow of less expensive prescription drugs from Hoser Land?
At least we got our priorities right........
|
All together now: OOOOOOOOO, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.
See, I actually studied. That's the secret. Took me till I was 25 to figure that shit out. Which explains why I was a GI in basic training on my 18th birthday instead of a college student drinking beer and chasing women.
I still remember a lot of the things they taught me at the New Mexico Law Enforcement Academy. One of my favorites is that in police work, you have this thing they call a "clue." You don't have to be Kojack, Dirty Harry, or a Mensa candidate to find clues. Most of the time, you just open your eyes and look.
Simple.
Here's a little test, just to prove the point:
Let's say you're a uniformed police officer, assigned to secure a government building. Whatever you do, you must protect the people in this building by not letting any dangerous wack-jobs get in. So there you are, looking everybody over when a dude that looks like this shows up at your checkpoint:
Hmmmm. Better check this pork chop out, you say to yourself. In doing so, you find that he's carrying a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a blood-stained chain saw. What is the proper course of action in dealing with this guy?
1) Stop worrying and let him in. He seems like a nice enough guy.
2) Take his toys away, then let him in.
3) Politely turn him away, and go about your business.
4) Lock him and his toys up and don't let him so much as fart in the parking lot
until you figure out just what the fuck his problem is.
If your answer is anything but "4," congratulations. You just qualified to be a US Customs agent. This turnip showed up at a US/Canada border crossing last week. Our guys apparently forgot that class they took on "clues," and selected option #2 for dealing with this sweetheart.
As you might expect, Canadian authorities discovered a couple of bodies the following day in Leatherface's home town. One was decapited and his head stuffed into a pillowcase, while the other was heavily ventilated with a knife. Or maybe a homemade sword.
Thankfully, some cops in Massachusetts caught him wandering around in a bloody sweatshirt and arrested him. Evidently he hadn't had time to stop in at the Husqvarna outlet store for a new chain saw, so no harm, no foul. I guess you can't fault the Customs guys for letting him in. I mean, it's not like bad guys are trying to get into our country or anything, right?
Besides, if they're out there arresting chain saw and axe murderers, who's going to protect Pfizer's profits by stopping that devious flow of less expensive prescription drugs from Hoser Land?
At least we got our priorities right........
