Parrothead Ramblings

Ahh, yes. A perfect choice.

Did you ever notice how hard it is to pick which lane to choose at a red light? You're cruising along, maybe in a little bit of a hurry, maybe not. You know the cops usually don't mess with you if you stay just below that magical "10 over" speed, but those two dumbasses ahead of you are not so well-informed. They drag on down the road at 44 in a 45, side by side, blocking the street for the marginally less law-abiding rest of us. Dammit, can't they look in their rear-view and see that they're the only ones not trying to get somewhere? They can do this shit in single-file, can't they?

So, you're already looking for an angle to get around these grannies when you reach the traffic light. You know there's bound to be somebody even slower than these two idiots, already waiting in line up there. If you can just choose the faster lane, you have a chance of opening that 1.5 car-length gap you need to switch lanes in front of dumbass #1, and hurtle right by dumbass #2. Pick the wrong lane, and you get to watch the dumbass in the next lane disappear into the distance ahead of you. Now, that's not quite as embarrassing as that move where you openly display your eagerness to get around some dumbass on the freeway by changing lanes and zipping by him, only to immediately find an even slower dumbass in your new lane, thus allowing the original dumbass to hurtle past like you're standing still, but it's close.

As always, the Crime Dog is here to help with your red-light lane selection woes. Look carefully, plan ahead, and avoid the following:

1) Buicks. Period. Especially Roadmasters.
2) Any driver yammering on a cell phone.
3) Any vehicle displaying one of those "W '04" campaign stickers.
He's a conservative for God's sake. How do you think he'll drive?
4) Any driver wearing a hat - not ballcaps or backward berets - but a hat.
5) Can't see their head above the dash? Keep far away.
6) Mini Vans with one of those "My Kid's An Honor Student" bumper stickers.
7) Any vehicle displaying a bumper sticker for a Christian radio station. It's
probably right next to the "W '04" sticker.
8) Any really old non-classic vehicle in really good condition. Trust me
on this one. It's an old geezer who only drives it twice a month.
9) Any vehicle with a "How's My Driving? Call 1-800-XXX-XXXX" sticker on it.
10) Any government vehicle. Those dudes are all on the clock, so they don't care
how long it takes them to get anywhere.

Of course, a gravel truck, cement mixer or a bus of any variety is a no-brainer deal breaker at all times. On the other hand, if you see one of those brown UPS delivery trucks, that's your lane. He's a veteran. He wrote the book. He's already done the thinking, he's chosen the correct lane for you, and he's haulin' ass. Another safe bet are Parrothead vehicles. You'll know them by the phins, parrots, margaritaville stickers and/or pirate flags. We know how to drive fast, live slow, and sing the The I-95 Song .

Follow in my wake, you've not that much at stake!
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