Parrothead Ramblings

Annoyance Team members photographed while
gearing up at the end of my street.

So there I was, doing what the Crime Dog does - chasing after the asswipes who steal your money every day with their phony insurance claims. I work from home - nice benefit - and we are in that time of year where you just want to throw open all your doors and windows and let that 75 degree air blow through. So I did, feeling extra special good because I just closed a great case, wherein I got one the aforementioned asswipes by the short and curlies. A little bit of heaven on earth, right here in my converted garage.

Then it happened. Just like it always happens. Not two minutes later. Just like every other freakin' time I open my window to enjoy the fresh air, along comes the goddam lawn guys,all piled in to that loud-ass '87 Dodge diesel pickup truck, to take care of the neighbor's yard. They fire up those annoying, choking, fume producing, ozone depleting, screaming, deafening fucking leaf blowers and go to work. It makes my brain hurt.

I'm convinced that these dudes wait at the end of my cul-de-sac (that's a dead end, for those of you in NYC), just waiting for me to open my window. A sort of SWAT team dedicated to annoying me. They have their guys in place, wearing dark jumpsuits, sunglasses, those little microphones like the real SWAT guys, and leafblowers slung over their shoulders like assault rifles. I can almost hear them:

"Red Leader, this is Red 1. Red 1 and Red 3 are in place, awaiting your signal"... static... "Roger, Red 1. Red 4, Red Leader do you have a visual on subject Crime Dog?"... static... "Roger, Red Leader. Red 2 here. Have confirmed sighting of target, will continue surveillance"... static ... "Roger that, Red 4. Anybody heard from Red 3?"... static... "Um, roger Red Leader, this is Red 2, Red 3 is on the 6:00AM annoying lawnmower wakeup guy detail this week"... static... "All right, Red Team, Red Leader here. You have the green light, I repeat green light. Soon as he opens that window, TAKE HIM DOWN."

And how can they possibly be so slow? They run those insidious little machines seemingly all morning. I would go over there and interrogate their noisy asses, if they spoke word one of English. It's like being invaded by a foreign power.

There's a solution! What does a citizenry do when invaded by a foreign power? Start an insurgency! I'll go on the offensive. Break out the ol' spud gun and become a holy warrior - sort of a Potato-hadeen. See how they like blowing leaves with ballistic taters and dog turds whizzing past their heads!

Bu then, that's pretty aggressive. Maybe I should just offer a weapons exchange program. Buy a bunch of rakes, and then give them amnesty if they'll swap them for their blowers. Peace in our time. Wanna know what would really work? A big cardboard cutout of a Border Patrol guy looking through binoculars. Just open the window and point it at my neighbor's house. Anybody know where I could get something like that?
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