Tuesday, March 22, 2005
A Bong By Any Other Name......
There's just nothin' like slamming
a couple of Sprites in the school cafeteria.
We have us a bunch of little Donald Trumps right here in Ahwatukee! You non-Phoenicians should have a blast with that name, eh? It's ah-wa-took-ee, where the "o's" rhyme with the o's in "hoot" or "toot." It's an upscale area of far southeast Phoenix. Anyway, these yutes in Ahwatukee's Mountain Pointe High School were given an assignment in their "entrepreneurship and business internship" class to create and market a product to their fellow students. So, what did these geniuses come up with? A "super soda chugger," consisting of a funnel with a hose attached to it. They ought to be able to sell an assload of those babies! I mean, every high school kid wants nothing more than to have 12 ounces of Dr. Pepper slammed into his stomach at warp speed.
Of course, these "chuggers" are already standard issue at every frat house in America, where they are called "beer bongs." Except, that is, at Brigham Young, Oral Roberts, and Bob Jones Universities, where they are known as "Super Jesus Juice Dispensers." Of course, these young entrepreneurs knew that, but they had a higher calling, you see: "We're trying to change the reputation of the so-called beer bong to the super soda chugger," was one student's official stance. Halle-fuckin'-leujah. Beer bongs have reputations. Good to know. What's next? A "Beer Bong Anti-Defamation League"?
While they're at it, maybe the future leaders of Ahwatukee could save the reputations of some other misunderstood items. "Roach clips" can become "Decorative Super-Grip Paper Fasteners." Real Bongs might now be known as "Super-Reverse Incense Burners," and condoms can be marketed as "Double-Super-Strength Water Balloons." Pssssst! Hey, kid! Wanna buy some "Super Fold-Out Female Anatomy Textbooks?"
Kids these days. They got is so easy. In my day, we didn't have all this fancy stuff to help us get hammered. We had to shotgun our beer, following a long day of walking uphill to school in a driving snowstorm, and ciphering out our timeses and gazintas on the back of a coal shovel. There's no quitting when you shotgun, boy. With a beer bong, you just pinch the tube, catch your breath, and start over.
Sissies.
