Tuesday, July 01, 2008
My Dad's Dog is an Asshole
Cute little guy, though. A miniature pinscher, loaded with personality, the metabolism of a hummingbird, able to jump straight up from a flat footed standing position to a height of about five feet. The human equivalent would be like jumping flat-footed from the sidewalk onto the top of a four-story building. He's a lover, not a fighter, and gets punked regularly by Buddha the Pug. That's the same Buddha who once got dry-humped seven times in one afternoon by Z-Man's boxer. His female boxer. She even got confused and face-humped him once, so that illustrates where dad's dog sits in the canine pecking order around here.
But somehow, he owns me. The Crime Dog is his little bitch. The first time he got me, he was raised up on his hind legs with his front paws in my lap, looking longingly into my face. When I bent down to scratch his ears, he suddenly hacked like a 60-year-old coal miner who also happens to be a lifetime smoker of non-filtered cigarettes. Blasted me right in the face. I had little doggy-loogies all over my face, in my mustache, goatee, and yes, in my mouth. Thank goodness I had on eye protection, but my glasses looked like a windshield after an overnight run through Iowa. OK, it was an accident. He didn't mean to do it.
That afternoon, Dad went out to his land yacht to get something, and instant separation anxiety set in. Little guy started leaping up to see out the window and knocked down the curtains. Dad came in, put him out back, and he nearly scratched all the paint off the door trying to get back in. I'm cool. He's just stressed out a little. He'll be fine.
That night, he pissed on the column in my living room. Marking his territory, so to speak. *&%$#!!!.....Ok, chill out, Crime Dog....No problem....new surroundings, confusion....it happens. Clean it up and forget about it.
The next day he delivered the coup de gras. He laid down enough diarrhetic dog shit that the house nearly had to be condemned. Not content to shit in one spot, he walked in a 3' circle to gain maximum coverage. That's it! Done! You are officially an outside dog! I will give you plenty of shade and cool, fresh water, but your ass is EVICTED unless someone is home to watch you!
He was cool for a couple days. No problems. Good dog! So we left him in the house when we went to the store last night. Came home, stepped right into a puddle of piss.
Thank goodness he's staying with family while we're gone. I know Scully is inwardly laughing her ass off at all this, so at least someone is enjoying it. Hell, she's probably the instigator. Hey, Crime Dog thinks it's HYSTERICAL when you put a shit ring on his bedroom carpet. Go ahead, DO IT! It's great! You'll see. Would I lie?
All things considered, I wish he'd just dry hump me and get it over with.
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But somehow, he owns me. The Crime Dog is his little bitch. The first time he got me, he was raised up on his hind legs with his front paws in my lap, looking longingly into my face. When I bent down to scratch his ears, he suddenly hacked like a 60-year-old coal miner who also happens to be a lifetime smoker of non-filtered cigarettes. Blasted me right in the face. I had little doggy-loogies all over my face, in my mustache, goatee, and yes, in my mouth. Thank goodness I had on eye protection, but my glasses looked like a windshield after an overnight run through Iowa. OK, it was an accident. He didn't mean to do it.
That afternoon, Dad went out to his land yacht to get something, and instant separation anxiety set in. Little guy started leaping up to see out the window and knocked down the curtains. Dad came in, put him out back, and he nearly scratched all the paint off the door trying to get back in. I'm cool. He's just stressed out a little. He'll be fine.
That night, he pissed on the column in my living room. Marking his territory, so to speak. *&%$#!!!.....Ok, chill out, Crime Dog....No problem....new surroundings, confusion....it happens. Clean it up and forget about it.
The next day he delivered the coup de gras. He laid down enough diarrhetic dog shit that the house nearly had to be condemned. Not content to shit in one spot, he walked in a 3' circle to gain maximum coverage. That's it! Done! You are officially an outside dog! I will give you plenty of shade and cool, fresh water, but your ass is EVICTED unless someone is home to watch you!
He was cool for a couple days. No problems. Good dog! So we left him in the house when we went to the store last night. Came home, stepped right into a puddle of piss.
Thank goodness he's staying with family while we're gone. I know Scully is inwardly laughing her ass off at all this, so at least someone is enjoying it. Hell, she's probably the instigator. Hey, Crime Dog thinks it's HYSTERICAL when you put a shit ring on his bedroom carpet. Go ahead, DO IT! It's great! You'll see. Would I lie?
All things considered, I wish he'd just dry hump me and get it over with.
