Thursday, February 28, 2008
Did you miss me? Been a tough past few weeks chasing my tail all over metropolitan Phoenix. My ass has a wart on it that looks exactly like a 2006 Impala. It's hideous. Thank goodness for my new GPS navigation system. Not only is it a mapping system and a phone book, it can even be used to remote a blue tooth phone. How cool is that? Of course, I don't have a blue tooth phone. For that matter, I don't have any cell phone right now. I hope no one has tried to call me for a couple days, because there's a story there....
The past few days have been spent in a business conference, which was actually pretty good. It started Tuesday with an afternoon of ditching work to play golf with a bunch of my associates from all over the western US. I lost. But that's not the story. We drank too much Parrot Bay and beer. But that's not the story, either.
Being the home team, I smuggled my own beer onto the course in my golf bag. The other guys had to buy it from the cart girl. My cart partner bought a couple of Heinekens, which the beer girl was kind enough to pack on ice in a big ziplock bag. The process was repeated several times throughout the afternoon:
Purchase, pack, unzip, remove, rezip, open, drink, repeat.
So long as you follow the procedure, you beer stays pretty cold and and the melting ice does not make a mess as it stays secured in the ziplock bag.
So we finished up at 18 and were waiting for the following groups, but my cell phone was nowhere to be found. I searched the cart, my pockets, my golf bag, the trash bin.....nothing. Gonzo. Oh well, it wouldn't be the first time I went back through a golf course, searching for my cell phone in diminishing sunlight.
Then, my cart partner noticed he had one unopened beer remaining, right there in the dash cubby hole where he left it. So he grabbed it....but why wasn't it secure in its little icy ziplock bag? Why was it subjected to the ruinous effects of normal air temperatures? Uncool!
So he reached in and grabbed his ziplock bag, and sure enough, there was no Heineken in it. But wait....there's something in there.....What the hell is that?
Yep, you guessed it. My cell phone. It somehow opened the ziplock bag, removed the Heineken, set it aside, entered the bag, and zipped it shut behind itself. I retrieved its frozen carcass from the bag and made a valiant effort at resuscitation, but it was too late. The phone was demised. Deceased. No longer of this world. Gone on to that great cell tower in the sky. Time of death: 3:37PM. I know because the display was locked at that time.
I had no idea. I mean, I knew it had been depressed for a while, but I thought it was just because I was ribbing it good naturedly about not having blue tooth capability, or those stupid Alltel commercials. It has to be tough to see yourself portrayed as a fat geek in a too-small yellow shirt, day after day, while Chad gets to be cool. But I had no idea things were so bad it would take its own life. I feel somehow responsible. I should have seen the warning signs....dropped calls, hang ups, those odd text messages about death and dying.
In keeping with its last wishes, I intend to preserve the corpse until I can launch it from my spud gun into a crystal clear blue sky. Please keep my cell phone in your thoughts.....
I honestly have no freakin' clue whatsoever how it got into that ziplock bag. The brand new, blue tooth capable phone is on its way, so it's not a total loss. But how did it get in there? I'll never know.
|
The past few days have been spent in a business conference, which was actually pretty good. It started Tuesday with an afternoon of ditching work to play golf with a bunch of my associates from all over the western US. I lost. But that's not the story. We drank too much Parrot Bay and beer. But that's not the story, either.
Being the home team, I smuggled my own beer onto the course in my golf bag. The other guys had to buy it from the cart girl. My cart partner bought a couple of Heinekens, which the beer girl was kind enough to pack on ice in a big ziplock bag. The process was repeated several times throughout the afternoon:
Purchase, pack, unzip, remove, rezip, open, drink, repeat.
So long as you follow the procedure, you beer stays pretty cold and and the melting ice does not make a mess as it stays secured in the ziplock bag.
So we finished up at 18 and were waiting for the following groups, but my cell phone was nowhere to be found. I searched the cart, my pockets, my golf bag, the trash bin.....nothing. Gonzo. Oh well, it wouldn't be the first time I went back through a golf course, searching for my cell phone in diminishing sunlight.
Then, my cart partner noticed he had one unopened beer remaining, right there in the dash cubby hole where he left it. So he grabbed it....but why wasn't it secure in its little icy ziplock bag? Why was it subjected to the ruinous effects of normal air temperatures? Uncool!
So he reached in and grabbed his ziplock bag, and sure enough, there was no Heineken in it. But wait....there's something in there.....What the hell is that?
Yep, you guessed it. My cell phone. It somehow opened the ziplock bag, removed the Heineken, set it aside, entered the bag, and zipped it shut behind itself. I retrieved its frozen carcass from the bag and made a valiant effort at resuscitation, but it was too late. The phone was demised. Deceased. No longer of this world. Gone on to that great cell tower in the sky. Time of death: 3:37PM. I know because the display was locked at that time.
I had no idea. I mean, I knew it had been depressed for a while, but I thought it was just because I was ribbing it good naturedly about not having blue tooth capability, or those stupid Alltel commercials. It has to be tough to see yourself portrayed as a fat geek in a too-small yellow shirt, day after day, while Chad gets to be cool. But I had no idea things were so bad it would take its own life. I feel somehow responsible. I should have seen the warning signs....dropped calls, hang ups, those odd text messages about death and dying.
In keeping with its last wishes, I intend to preserve the corpse until I can launch it from my spud gun into a crystal clear blue sky. Please keep my cell phone in your thoughts.....
I honestly have no freakin' clue whatsoever how it got into that ziplock bag. The brand new, blue tooth capable phone is on its way, so it's not a total loss. But how did it get in there? I'll never know.
