Monday, April 24, 2006
How Not To Clean Your Gas Grill
I got a new gas grill this weekend. It's a real beauty - stainless steel, storage space, a large cooking surface, side burner. Yeah, I know: Big deal, Crime Dog. I admit it. The fact that I got a new gas grill is actually a bit boring. The entertaining part is why I got a new gas grill.
We decided to cook up some nice rib eye steaks for Sunday dinner and hang out around Crime Dog's Margaritaville West Tiki Bar and Cement Pond. Nothing like a few cold beers, cooked animals, and bullshit by the ton. Called up Wayners and Janners, and they were more than up for it. In fact, they have this marinade recipe that make will you jump up and slap the CEO of Heinz. So, I went out Sunday morning to prepare my grill for the feast. Hmmmm, looked a bit dirty and greasy. It needed a little cleaning before slapping the meat to it. So it was off to the garage to fetch my spray-on degreaser. There it was, right where I left it, amongst all the other car cleaning and servicing paraphernalia. Now, this stuff is great. You get the grill nice and hot, shut it down, spray degreaser all over it, and hose it off. It sparkles like the day you adopted it and brought it home in your loving arms.
So I heated it up for a minute, turned it back off, and went to spraying. I coated it good, too - the top, sides, legs, dials, a little more on the top, an extra-heavy dollop to the front and the handle, still some more on the top and......what the hell's wrong with this stuff? It's supposed to start loosening the grease and dirt, but instead, it's looking nasty, smells like shit, and is bubbling up in spots. No worries. It'll get the job done. I probably just need more. More is better. Let's go over it twice. About midway through the second dose, it's looking and smelling even funkier. So, I reached over and touched it. My finger stuck. What the.....? Confused, I quickly peeled my semi-stuck finger from the searing metal before it could burn through the first skin layer. I stared at my grill in total confusion. It now looked very much like a glazed donut in the shape of a grill. I turned over the can of degreaser to get a closer look at the label. It read:
3M Super 77 Spray Adhesive
I'd just completely coated my grill with industrial-strength airplane glue. Not just any airplane glue, but the kind that can attach a bumper to an Escalade and comes in a can remarkably similar to my degreaser. I tested the knobs. No good. Frozen into place. The side burner? Permanently sealed shut. The whole thing is a giant, gooey, cluster fuck. One that cost me $300 to overcome. That would be the going price at Lowe's for a Perfect Flame Superior Stainless Steel Gas Grille with Side Burner and Storage.
I wanted to bury this whole thing with a shovel, then bury the shovel. But that was impossible with Wayners coming over for steaks at about the time I got back with the new grill. The old grill was still sitting there, like a silent indictment of Crime Dog malfeasance. So instead, I'm playing the mea culpa card in hopes of obtaining mercy. Unlikely. I'm guessing I'll be joke fodder all the way through Phins To The West.
Anybody want to buy a used gas grill? Cheap?
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We decided to cook up some nice rib eye steaks for Sunday dinner and hang out around Crime Dog's Margaritaville West Tiki Bar and Cement Pond. Nothing like a few cold beers, cooked animals, and bullshit by the ton. Called up Wayners and Janners, and they were more than up for it. In fact, they have this marinade recipe that make will you jump up and slap the CEO of Heinz. So, I went out Sunday morning to prepare my grill for the feast. Hmmmm, looked a bit dirty and greasy. It needed a little cleaning before slapping the meat to it. So it was off to the garage to fetch my spray-on degreaser. There it was, right where I left it, amongst all the other car cleaning and servicing paraphernalia. Now, this stuff is great. You get the grill nice and hot, shut it down, spray degreaser all over it, and hose it off. It sparkles like the day you adopted it and brought it home in your loving arms.
So I heated it up for a minute, turned it back off, and went to spraying. I coated it good, too - the top, sides, legs, dials, a little more on the top, an extra-heavy dollop to the front and the handle, still some more on the top and......what the hell's wrong with this stuff? It's supposed to start loosening the grease and dirt, but instead, it's looking nasty, smells like shit, and is bubbling up in spots. No worries. It'll get the job done. I probably just need more. More is better. Let's go over it twice. About midway through the second dose, it's looking and smelling even funkier. So, I reached over and touched it. My finger stuck. What the.....? Confused, I quickly peeled my semi-stuck finger from the searing metal before it could burn through the first skin layer. I stared at my grill in total confusion. It now looked very much like a glazed donut in the shape of a grill. I turned over the can of degreaser to get a closer look at the label. It read:
3M Super 77 Spray Adhesive
I'd just completely coated my grill with industrial-strength airplane glue. Not just any airplane glue, but the kind that can attach a bumper to an Escalade and comes in a can remarkably similar to my degreaser. I tested the knobs. No good. Frozen into place. The side burner? Permanently sealed shut. The whole thing is a giant, gooey, cluster fuck. One that cost me $300 to overcome. That would be the going price at Lowe's for a Perfect Flame Superior Stainless Steel Gas Grille with Side Burner and Storage.
I wanted to bury this whole thing with a shovel, then bury the shovel. But that was impossible with Wayners coming over for steaks at about the time I got back with the new grill. The old grill was still sitting there, like a silent indictment of Crime Dog malfeasance. So instead, I'm playing the mea culpa card in hopes of obtaining mercy. Unlikely. I'm guessing I'll be joke fodder all the way through Phins To The West.
Anybody want to buy a used gas grill? Cheap?
