Parrothead Ramblings

Finalists in the Miss Afghanistan Pageant. Any questions?

I just read in the paper that the people of Austria are the most sexually satisfied folks on the planet. We 'Mericans are up there in the polls, along with Spain, Canada, and Belgium, but we all lag behind those feisty Austrians. Did you know that in the German language, citizens of Vienna are "Wieners"? I guess now we know why.......

Frankly, I'm surprised. What happened to the historically romantic French? Hell, they even named tongue wrestling after themselves. It probably has something to do with armpit hair and BO. Or perhaps when a bunch of kids from the University of Chicago showed up to do the poll, the French surrendered to them.

And then there's the Italians. The US ranked higher in sexual satisfaction than our Italian friends? Hell, when I was over there in 1979, you could watch soft-core porn on broadcast TV. You'd think they have their shit together when it comes to gettin' their freak on. Maybe the problem is that they never seem to shut up long enough to get laid.

Another one that really surprised me for not being ranked highly is Australia. I mean, think about it......the whole idea of going "down under" all the time......

Oh, sorry. Where was I? Got lost for a minute there. Oh, yeah.

This poll says the lowest ranked nation in sexual satsfaction is Japan. Big freakin' surprise, huh? They take great pride in their ability to work 18 hours a day every day, but when do they have the time and energy to get jiggy? Take a day off for a change, get your ass out of the Pachinko Parlor, and get horizontal for a while, Japan. Make the monster with two backs. You might just like it.

Notably missing from the poll results were nations like Iran and Afghanistan. That's probably because the poll was conducted mostly by phone. Had they conducted it by shouting from a minaret, they might have gotten better results. I hear they're headed in the right direction. Some women over there are actually doing full-facial nudity now, but usually only in private gatherings. Baby steps, but progress, nonetheless. Poll findings suggest that sexual satisfaction is highest in nations where men and women are considered equals. It's not so high in places where speaking in public or showing your calf could get you stoned. No, I mean really, really stoned.

OK, America, let this be your call to action! We can catch the Austrians if we just put forth the effort! Let's declare Friday "Get Laid In America Day"! Step it up, get those libidos into high gear! Or, for even better results, when someone calls you to conduct a sexual satisfaction poll, just do what you always do:

Lie!
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