Monday, April 17, 2006
T-Minus 24 Hours And Counting
We're now down to less than one day, a mere 24 hours until the pre-concert party celebration begins, capped off by Jimmy's "Party At The End Of The World" concert tomorrow night! Time to rest up, hydrate, polish your car-top shark fins, dust off the ol' grass skirt and coconut bra, iron out the Conch Republic or Margaritaville flags and prepare to party. And REMEMBER: It's a marathon, not a sprint.
If you've ever witnessed the fun and debauchery that is a Buffett concert, you probably noticed that the intermission is often marked by "Parrotvision" parking lot videos. That is, if you weren't still standing in line to take a leak. Everybody wants to be on Parrotvision, so we all look for ourselves on the big screen until, alas, we realize the video was probably filmed weeks before in someone else's parking lot. A number of times, I've attended concerts in different cities during the same tour. Invariably, I've seen the exact same Parrotvision videos in both cities.
Could this be our moment? Is this the year everybody else across the nation has to watch us Phoenix Pholks partying on Parrotvision? We are the first stop on the tour, after all, so they either video our happy asses or they just don't do Parrotvision during our intermission. That would just be, well......wrong!
So, anybody sees the Parrotvision camera crew, call the rest of us and we'll hustle on over and horn in.
By the way, if you want to avoid those ridiculously long restroom lines, just take a page from the Crime Dog Parrothead Concert Preparation Handbook (1988, Random House, $12.95, available in all fine bookstores). Get hammered before 7:30, then stop drinking completely and coast through the show. There's a fine line in the intoxication process, however, that you must be careful to avoid crossing. It's that point of "critical mass" we all have in us that so greatly effects the decision-making function of the brain that you (a) Have no clue what time it is and (b) Don't give a shit what time it is, and (c) Scream "BEER ME" as soon as you drain the last drop from the previous drink.
Here's the correct formula for the average body mass adult male to make it from 3:00PM to show's end at 11:00PM:
Beer, beer, water (or soda), beer, water, beer, water, beer, water, beer. By now, you should have a little bit of a buzz. It's about 6:00. Hit one more water, then eat a cheeseburger, large, with a big kosher pickle and french-fried potato. Chase that with a beer, water, then beer again. Now it's approaching 7:00PM. One hour to go. You're buzzed, but it'll be gone by showtime. More beer puts you in the restroom line before the opening number is over. Time for a shot of tequila. Then, water, shot, water, shot. Don't worry, your body's dehydration will absorb the water, and the tequila should float you to about the encore. It's 7:30PM. Head on into the show. Voila! You can thank me tomorrow.
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If you've ever witnessed the fun and debauchery that is a Buffett concert, you probably noticed that the intermission is often marked by "Parrotvision" parking lot videos. That is, if you weren't still standing in line to take a leak. Everybody wants to be on Parrotvision, so we all look for ourselves on the big screen until, alas, we realize the video was probably filmed weeks before in someone else's parking lot. A number of times, I've attended concerts in different cities during the same tour. Invariably, I've seen the exact same Parrotvision videos in both cities.
Could this be our moment? Is this the year everybody else across the nation has to watch us Phoenix Pholks partying on Parrotvision? We are the first stop on the tour, after all, so they either video our happy asses or they just don't do Parrotvision during our intermission. That would just be, well......wrong!
So, anybody sees the Parrotvision camera crew, call the rest of us and we'll hustle on over and horn in.
By the way, if you want to avoid those ridiculously long restroom lines, just take a page from the Crime Dog Parrothead Concert Preparation Handbook (1988, Random House, $12.95, available in all fine bookstores). Get hammered before 7:30, then stop drinking completely and coast through the show. There's a fine line in the intoxication process, however, that you must be careful to avoid crossing. It's that point of "critical mass" we all have in us that so greatly effects the decision-making function of the brain that you (a) Have no clue what time it is and (b) Don't give a shit what time it is, and (c) Scream "BEER ME" as soon as you drain the last drop from the previous drink.
Here's the correct formula for the average body mass adult male to make it from 3:00PM to show's end at 11:00PM:
Beer, beer, water (or soda), beer, water, beer, water, beer, water, beer. By now, you should have a little bit of a buzz. It's about 6:00. Hit one more water, then eat a cheeseburger, large, with a big kosher pickle and french-fried potato. Chase that with a beer, water, then beer again. Now it's approaching 7:00PM. One hour to go. You're buzzed, but it'll be gone by showtime. More beer puts you in the restroom line before the opening number is over. Time for a shot of tequila. Then, water, shot, water, shot. Don't worry, your body's dehydration will absorb the water, and the tequila should float you to about the encore. It's 7:30PM. Head on into the show. Voila! You can thank me tomorrow.
