Parrothead Ramblings

You ever read something, then you're not sure you read what you just read? So you go back, and read it a second time, and maybe even a third time, just to make sure you're not hallucinating, or maybe having a little flashback from the 70's. That happened to me with an article I read in the bird cage liner yesterday.

It seems there is actually a world championship competition for "Rock, Paper, Scissors." There's even a federation, "The World Rock Paper Scissors Society (WPRSS)."

Be still my heart.

I used to believe the last hope for professional stardom for fat old guys was bowling, golf, or maybe pitching in Major League Baseball. Now I might just have a shot at breaking in as the next big WPRSS phenom. Of course, first I need to make my mark in the world-class ranks by winning the USARPS championship in Las Vegas. The purse there is $50,000, and the tournament is - believe it or not - sponsored by Bud Light. I wonder when we'll see the first Bud Light - Official Sponsors of the United States Rock Paper Scissors Tournament commercials. They probably wouldn't reach their target audience if they showed them during football or baseball games, so where can they put those spots? The first place that comes to mind for me is maybe a televised Spelling Bee Championship. Some ad executive had to get fired over this.

This whole competitive rock, scissors, paper thing could really catch on. Maybe next we can form some leagues to play that game where you each alternatively grab a bat handle to see whose fist catches the end. Then we can move on to "odd-even" tournaments, maybe the first round just with fingers, then the next with golf tees. Better yet, how about that one where you just yank a handful of hair from your opponent's leg, and he has to guess odd or even? Then throw in a grueling coin-toss competition, and we got ourselves a regular "Dork Olympics."

Guess I'd better get busy with my training regimen. Maybe some weights, run a little bit, get in some cardio. I don't want to wear down in the final rounds, after all. I could lose concentration for just a split second, throw out paper when I meant rock, and allow some guy to take me deep with scissors. Mental errors like that can get a guy banished to the minor leagues. I could end up playing professional Dungeons and Dragons or Monopoly until retirement.

To help get in fighting shape for the big event, I've entered a team in the "International Pin the Tail On the Donkey Tournament" this weekend at Glendale Arena. I need a teammate. Any volunteers?
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