Thursday, April 13, 2006
All The News That's Fit To Ridicule!
What do you get when you mix the finest bourbon in Kentucky with mint from Morocco and sugar from the South Pacific, pour it over ice from the Arctic, and serve the concoction in a gold plated cup with a silver straw?
You get a $1,000 mint julep at this year's Kentucky Derby. That's not a typo. It's $1,000. A "one" with three "zeroes." They're going to serve them to the first fifty willing customers. I'm sure they'll find them, even though the $1,000 they'll pay for one julep could probably buy the entire Moroccan mint farm. I hope that whoever buys one gets bumped from behind just as he's taking a sip. I'd love to see what $300 or so worth of cocktail looks like running down the front of some rich idiot's shirt.
A couple of people are in jail in Ohio today for extorting cash from an Amish widower who solicited a prositute. They threatened to put pictures of him cavorting with said lady of the evening on the Internet, and he paid up. Now, that brings to mind a couple of things....First, how does an Amish guy solicit a prostitute? It's not exactly normal to cruise the strip in a horse-drawn buggy wearing a black suit and one of those big hats, is it? You'd think people would notice. And secondly, why would he give a flying cow cookie whether his picture showed up on the Internet? It's not like his family and friends spend a lot of time surfing for porn in between barn raising and bringing in the sheaves. Hell, they don't even have electricity, do they? The extorter can't exactly pick up the phone and call the guy to demand.....I don't know, what?
OK, Stoltzfus, if you don't want these pictures to end up nailed to Fisher's barn wall for everybody to see, you'd better put four unmarked chickens into a plain brown wrapper, and leave them by the village well at midnight. And don't even THINK about notifying the English policemen.
I wonder which is the bigger sin among the Amish, to have your picture taken or to get a badly-needed hummer from a snuff queen? Put 'em both together, and the poor guy will probably have to move to Utah.
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You get a $1,000 mint julep at this year's Kentucky Derby. That's not a typo. It's $1,000. A "one" with three "zeroes." They're going to serve them to the first fifty willing customers. I'm sure they'll find them, even though the $1,000 they'll pay for one julep could probably buy the entire Moroccan mint farm. I hope that whoever buys one gets bumped from behind just as he's taking a sip. I'd love to see what $300 or so worth of cocktail looks like running down the front of some rich idiot's shirt.
A couple of people are in jail in Ohio today for extorting cash from an Amish widower who solicited a prositute. They threatened to put pictures of him cavorting with said lady of the evening on the Internet, and he paid up. Now, that brings to mind a couple of things....First, how does an Amish guy solicit a prostitute? It's not exactly normal to cruise the strip in a horse-drawn buggy wearing a black suit and one of those big hats, is it? You'd think people would notice. And secondly, why would he give a flying cow cookie whether his picture showed up on the Internet? It's not like his family and friends spend a lot of time surfing for porn in between barn raising and bringing in the sheaves. Hell, they don't even have electricity, do they? The extorter can't exactly pick up the phone and call the guy to demand.....I don't know, what?
OK, Stoltzfus, if you don't want these pictures to end up nailed to Fisher's barn wall for everybody to see, you'd better put four unmarked chickens into a plain brown wrapper, and leave them by the village well at midnight. And don't even THINK about notifying the English policemen.
I wonder which is the bigger sin among the Amish, to have your picture taken or to get a badly-needed hummer from a snuff queen? Put 'em both together, and the poor guy will probably have to move to Utah.
