Friday, September 09, 2005
What? No Beer? Fetch That, Fliphead.
Which of these tee shirts are you most likely to see at BYU? Take your time.....
Does this come as a surprise to anyone? Men's Fitness magazine recently ranked US colleges from "fittest to fattest." The most fit school in America? Bring 'Em Young University. What do you expect? Smoke, get expelled. Get drunk, get expelled. Get laid, get expelled and excommunicated.
Guess it's no mystery why if you Google the search phrase "Mormon Parrothead," you get zero hits. Well, until I just wrote that, anyway. It's also why you never see a Radio Margaritaville concert replay from Salt Lake City. I doubt he's ever played there.
Several years ago, a niece of mine who lives up in Salt Lake City got married, and we went to attend the wedding. It's a nice town, very pretty. I remember thinking it was probably a pretty nice place to live. At the last minute before the reception started, the happy couple decided they wanted some champagne. Being the valiant uncle with the white rental steed, I happily volunteered to make the booze run. That's when I learned that I could never live there. Any city in which the directions for securing alcohol includes the phrase "go west three miles and get on the freeway" is no place for a Parrothead to roost. Those dudes up there drink their Coca-Cola out of a brown paper bag stashed in a jacket pocket, and actually eat virgin Jell-O shots. Is there really such a thing?
I learned a new phrase while up there, too. One I never heard before, nor have I heard since. It seems to be the universal Mormon expression of anger, surprise, or frustration: "Oh my heck!" Those especially frustrated may expand their utterance to "Oh my freakin' heck," or even toss in a "flippin' fetch" for good measure.
I just don't know how they do it. Those folks got my respeck. Anybody expects my fat ass to peddle a bicycle all over town in 115 degrees, wearing slacks, a helmet, dress shirt, and necktie, then expects me to not slam a couple of cold brews afterwards is outta his mother fetchin' mind.
So, those folks up there at BYU are healthy, but man are they boring. If that's the way to heaven, I'll take my chances with Corona and eternal hellfire and damnation. Just what the H E double-hockey-sticks is school for, anyway?
Aw, fetch it. Anybody got a beer?
