Parrothead Ramblings

We hit Famous Sam's last night for this big citywide Karaoke sing-off thing featuring the fetching Miss J. You might remember she kicked ass in a qualifying contest last month, so this was the best of the best going up against one another. I wasn't in the grandest of moods, because I had start a liquid diet last night in preparation for the big "Crime Dog's Ass-Cam Adventure" kicking off at Banner Samaritan tomorrow. It seems they want the ol' Hershey Highway completely clear of traffic, which means the only solid material I get to ingest until tomorrow is my Dulcolax. It's a lovely experience, and I hope you all get to enjoy it one day.
I'm open for suggestions for cute things to write on my ass cheeks before I go down there in the morning. I'm leaning toward "Exit Only," or maybe "This Side Up." With luck, the Doctor will be able to find the proper course all the way to the end, so to speak, and back again in record time. For that, he really needs a "crack" navigator. Hardy har har.

But I digress. There were 14 finalists there to try and grab first prize - a trip to Vegas and a bunch of travel money - and some of these folks could sing their asses off. And as you might expect, the usual collection of "nails on chalkboard" singers were on hand as well. How the hell did these people qualify? One was an older fellow - probably in his 60s or 70s, who sang away while his wife worked her way through the crowd with a camera, snapping pictures from every conceivable angle. The whole time, I was visualizing a bored-to-tears grandkid with a photo album in his lap, while Grandma hovers over pointing out all the cool pictures of Grandpa doin' Sinatra.
Then there was a guy who called himself "Ace" and brought his own cheering section of exceptionally homely women. He actually still wears his tennis shoes unlaced, with the tongues sticking up in front of his pants legs. Clearly, a god among dorks. Then he thought he had to talk to the crowd like a lounge lizard:

This one goes out to all the ladies out there. Don't you go changin' baby. You're all beautiful. Now put your hands together

Then there was the guy who wore his shirt unbuttoned to mid-chest, Guido-style, while singing love songs. That's when my liquid diet actually came in handy, since there was nothing in me to throw up. This dude actually knelt in front of some of the women, held their hands, and gazed up at them while singing. Surprisingly, no panties, bras, or even a single hotel room key got thrown at him.

Anyway, they eliminated the slugs and kept the top five as the evening's finalists. Well, the top five plus Ace, whose fan club of overweight groupies made Janeane Garofolo look like Heather Locklear. I'd be lying if I said I was not concerned. A couple of them were really, really good, including one woman who had a larger cheering section than even Ace. Her first-round selection was Bonnie Raitt's Something To Talk About, and damn, did she ever nail it. Since the crowd vote was a factor in who won the thing, I did a quick head count and discovered her group had maybe twice as many votes in it as ours. Clearly, Miss J would need to win over the undecideds.

So the emcee introduced the final contestants, with the admonition that "you'd better all pick something up tempo, because that's what the crowds always prefer and you gotta have crowd support to win!"

The woman with the cheering section went just ahead of Miss J, and hammered out a very cool version of Alannah Myles' Black Velvet, while her crowd screamed, whistled, and whooped it up. Miss J would have to knock everybody's socks off to overcome her crowd support factor.

So Miss J gets up there and starts singing a Christina Aguilera song I didn't know, something called A Voice Within. A slow song.

Uh-oh. This is a nice song, but up tempo it ain't.

But then it happened again. Just like before. All of the chattering and side conversations suddenly stopped. Billiard matches were forgotten. Dart games became instantly unimportant. Nobody was drinking, and the servers and bartenders all stood there transfixed, watching Miss J. I stole a glance over at Bonnie/Allanah's crowd. They stopped laughing and talking and just watched, mouths agape. One of the judges extended her hands over her head as if signalling a touchdown. The song ended, and the entire place erupted. A standing ovation. Even from the judges.

Ace was next. The emcee called him to the stage and said "The good news is it's your turn. The bad news is you have to try and follow that. I said you need to be up tempo to win, but not if you sing your heart and souls out like that." Ace took the mike and said "As far as I'm concerned, I'm singing for second place." So maybe he's not such a dork after all, I thought. Then he sang, and I reverted to my original analysis once again.

I still thought it would be very tight. Miss J was clearly the best one there, but that crowd vote had me concerned. The four runners up were named, leaving Miss J and one other contestant, then the emcee announced, "This is a first. A unanimoous selection by the crown as well as by all five judges......"

I knew then that it was over. Not even close. Miss J blew the roof off the joint. No small feat, considering how good some of those singers really were.

Now if we could just get her a job with the Reeferettes......better watch your back, Nadirah.
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