Parrothead Ramblings

Break out your magnifying glasses, boys, if you plan on goin' swimmin'!

Most pholks across this great nation patiently endure their frost-filled winters while looking forward to that first warm day of spring, but we Valley of the Sun dwellers are sort of the opposite. We endure those pizza-oven hot summer days and look forward to that first cool day of fall. It always seems to happen suddenly. You walk out of your home every morning from Memorial to Labor Day to oppressive heat. But then, usually in mid-September, without warning, you walk out one morning and:

Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Suddenly, the mornings are in the low 70's. You can't wait to grab that first cup of coffee and sit outside with it. Of course, we're still likely to break 100 today. We don't give a shit. We can do 102 standing on our heads. Well, so long as it's not 102 at midnight. That kinda sucks. But we'll be seeing those triple digits during the day for maybe another month.

Maybe what we 'Zonies need is our own brand of Groundhog Day. How about we name September 15th as "Rattlesnake Day." We'll all gather down at the Maricopa County Courthouse and wait for "Maricopa Mike" to stick his head out of his burrow on the lawn......oh wait a minute, there's no lawn at the Courthouse. Whatever. He'll stick his head out, flick his tongue a couple of times, and either come on out or slither his way back in. If he goes back in, we know we have four more weeks of summer. If he comes out, everyone screams and hauls ass out of there like their hair is on fire. We'll still have four more weeks of summer, but the ceremony itself will be a helluva lot more entertaining than the one those Punxsutawney pansies put on every year..

Of course, all ain't hunky-dory. Crime Dog's Margaritaville West Cement Pond is down to 80 degrees this morning. Now, that's a pleasant shorts and tee-shirt day if it's your air temperature. But when your pool is that cool, we're talking serious shrinkage.

The other downside is that all of the golf courses scalp and overseed their fairways, then at least double their fees. That really sucks, because I don't like paying more than about twenty cents per stroke. That way, the 100 or so shots I take only run me about $20.00. A golfer like my buddy Russ thinks he's so cool when he only takes 80 strokes. Joke's on you, smart guy! You just paid a nickle more per swing than I did. Next time, think it through and bounce a couple off a house, or into a pond, and get your money's worth.

Of course, guys like Eric The Cheap Bastard have it all over me. That guy only pays maybe a penny a stroke. One of these days, the courses will start treating him like the government treats those subsidized farmers they pay not to grow anything. "Here, Cheap Bastard, please just take this twenty dollar bill and go away."

Actually, that kind of works for me. We can take the money, spend it all on beer, and sit in the clubhouse and watch football.

What day are you free, Cheap Bastard?
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