Tuesday, August 23, 2005
All The News That's Fit To Ridicule
From the "Yet Another Reason To Hate Wal Mart" Department: Garth Brooks, who blessed the entire world with his "retirement" a few years ago, announced that he struck a deal to sell his music exclusively through Wal Mart. At least there's a sort of symmetry there: The most vapid redneck music on the planet will be found exclusively in the most vapid redneck retail outlet on the planet.
Wal Mart sucks. Simple as that.
Turns out the news that Christopher Walken wanted to run for President of the United States was just a rumor. Damn, that's disappointing! He would have been a lot of fun on the campaign trail.
Mr. Walken, what is your stance on Middle-East diplomacy?
Those crazy Arabs need one thing and one thing only: MORE COWBELL!
The Japanese have developed a "house-sitting robot." It's about the size of a watermelon and cruises around your house looking for bad guys breaking in. These contraptions sell for $2,600, which leads me to believe they will be the first thing stolen after the bad guys break in. It might be cool if it works like Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL and locks the bad guys in.
HAL! Let us out.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.
Some Aussie researchers are tracking a big-ass crocodile down there with a satellite. Turns out he just spends a lot of time swimming up and down the river. Go figure. Maybe these guys can do something more productive with this technology, like finding Bin Laden, or my TV remote.
Finally, here's one from the "OOh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!" Department: Some guy gave several lottery tickets to a Circle K clerk to check whether any of them were winners. Turns out one of them was. A $1,000,000 winner. The enterprising clerk somehow failed to return that one. The guy complained to the manager that he was a ticket short, but nothing came of it and he ultimately left, not knowing he was a millionaire. Of course, it didn't take long for someone to pick up on the fact that this convenience store clerk had a shitload of cash all of a sudden. Cops did the math and tosssed her butt in the slammer. Now they have to find the rightful owner of that pile of cash. Maybe they should call those Australian crocodile guys.
G'Luck mates. But find my remote first, will you?
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Wal Mart sucks. Simple as that.
Turns out the news that Christopher Walken wanted to run for President of the United States was just a rumor. Damn, that's disappointing! He would have been a lot of fun on the campaign trail.
Mr. Walken, what is your stance on Middle-East diplomacy?
Those crazy Arabs need one thing and one thing only: MORE COWBELL!
The Japanese have developed a "house-sitting robot." It's about the size of a watermelon and cruises around your house looking for bad guys breaking in. These contraptions sell for $2,600, which leads me to believe they will be the first thing stolen after the bad guys break in. It might be cool if it works like Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL and locks the bad guys in.
HAL! Let us out.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.
Some Aussie researchers are tracking a big-ass crocodile down there with a satellite. Turns out he just spends a lot of time swimming up and down the river. Go figure. Maybe these guys can do something more productive with this technology, like finding Bin Laden, or my TV remote.
Finally, here's one from the "OOh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!" Department: Some guy gave several lottery tickets to a Circle K clerk to check whether any of them were winners. Turns out one of them was. A $1,000,000 winner. The enterprising clerk somehow failed to return that one. The guy complained to the manager that he was a ticket short, but nothing came of it and he ultimately left, not knowing he was a millionaire. Of course, it didn't take long for someone to pick up on the fact that this convenience store clerk had a shitload of cash all of a sudden. Cops did the math and tosssed her butt in the slammer. Now they have to find the rightful owner of that pile of cash. Maybe they should call those Australian crocodile guys.
G'Luck mates. But find my remote first, will you?
