Monday, April 14, 2008
Attention Shoppers!
I recently had to swap out a couple of our pool umbrellas for new ones. The monsoon got one last year when I exercised poor judgment and left it open all one July afternoon. It's almost like those anti-drowning commercials: Watch your umbrellas around monsoons.It only takes a minute.....The other one, a cantilever umbrella, just wore out and died in its sleep last Fall. It was peaceful.
So I brought in new ones and threw the other two on my ever-burgeoning side yard junk heap. There they sat for several weeks, alongside some worn out lawn chairs about as old as my kids, a defunct portable Master Cool, and a plastic garbage can with its bottom busted out.
I can never seem to remember when my bulk trash week is. I only know it's time when my neighbors start stacking crap up on the sidewalks in front of their homes. I thought it was last week, so every time I came home, I gazed up and down the streets to see if anything was piling up. Nothing.
And then, as if by magic, I walked out Saturday to get my paper and there was shit stacked everywhere. I think they put it out late at night to try and trip me up. I dutifully dragged all my junk out and piled it as neatly as possible at the curb. Fearing the garbage can would catch a breeze and roll down the street, I laid it on its side and jammed the top on the cantilever umbrella into it. I was also concerned somebody would trip over its large base, which protruded on to the sidewalk, but it's a pain in the ass to take it off. I just shoved it further out from the curb instead. I took one last look at the other umbrella, and wondered for the umpteenth time whether it might be salvaged. I picked it up to inspect it again, and found - Yeesh - that the cat had decided it would make a nice urinal. It stunk to high heaven. Sayonara, umbrella. What's the deal with cats and pissing on things?
We had about five minutes of wind this morning for some weird reason, and it blew pretty hard. A little later, as I passed by the front door, I glanced outside and something caught my eye. It was the garbage can, right in front of the door. How the hell did that get loose? I walked outside, picked it up, and headed for the junk pile.
What the....?
The broken umbrellas were gone. Vaporized. What was even more odd was that whoever took them also took the time to remove the cantilever from its base. Then, they left the base behind. What the hell good is a broken cantilever umbrella with no base, for Clapton's sake?
I retrieved the geographically separated trash can lid from down the street and piled it and its host back with the remaining junk. Oh well, at least it didn't look so cluttered out there, with the busted cantilever and piss-stained umbrellas having taken a powder.
TFMCD got home around five-ish, and a little later we went out to get in the car to go get some dinner. Damned if the Master Cool wasn't gone. And....WTF? Somebody took the cantilever base? Hope whoever took the base bumps into the guy who took the top. At least they can pool their resources and have a complete - though inoperable - cantilever umbrella.
Anybody want three crappy old lawn chairs and a garbage can with a hole in it? We can save the bulk waste guy some time.
|
So I brought in new ones and threw the other two on my ever-burgeoning side yard junk heap. There they sat for several weeks, alongside some worn out lawn chairs about as old as my kids, a defunct portable Master Cool, and a plastic garbage can with its bottom busted out.
I can never seem to remember when my bulk trash week is. I only know it's time when my neighbors start stacking crap up on the sidewalks in front of their homes. I thought it was last week, so every time I came home, I gazed up and down the streets to see if anything was piling up. Nothing.
And then, as if by magic, I walked out Saturday to get my paper and there was shit stacked everywhere. I think they put it out late at night to try and trip me up. I dutifully dragged all my junk out and piled it as neatly as possible at the curb. Fearing the garbage can would catch a breeze and roll down the street, I laid it on its side and jammed the top on the cantilever umbrella into it. I was also concerned somebody would trip over its large base, which protruded on to the sidewalk, but it's a pain in the ass to take it off. I just shoved it further out from the curb instead. I took one last look at the other umbrella, and wondered for the umpteenth time whether it might be salvaged. I picked it up to inspect it again, and found - Yeesh - that the cat had decided it would make a nice urinal. It stunk to high heaven. Sayonara, umbrella. What's the deal with cats and pissing on things?
We had about five minutes of wind this morning for some weird reason, and it blew pretty hard. A little later, as I passed by the front door, I glanced outside and something caught my eye. It was the garbage can, right in front of the door. How the hell did that get loose? I walked outside, picked it up, and headed for the junk pile.
What the....?
The broken umbrellas were gone. Vaporized. What was even more odd was that whoever took them also took the time to remove the cantilever from its base. Then, they left the base behind. What the hell good is a broken cantilever umbrella with no base, for Clapton's sake?
I retrieved the geographically separated trash can lid from down the street and piled it and its host back with the remaining junk. Oh well, at least it didn't look so cluttered out there, with the busted cantilever and piss-stained umbrellas having taken a powder.
TFMCD got home around five-ish, and a little later we went out to get in the car to go get some dinner. Damned if the Master Cool wasn't gone. And....WTF? Somebody took the cantilever base? Hope whoever took the base bumps into the guy who took the top. At least they can pool their resources and have a complete - though inoperable - cantilever umbrella.
Anybody want three crappy old lawn chairs and a garbage can with a hole in it? We can save the bulk waste guy some time.
