Parrothead Ramblings

The Olympics would be a lot more fun if they put Parrotheads in charge.

The Winter Olympics are nearly here. Hooray. I can't wait.

For me, the winter olympics are about as interesting as watching a bumper rust. The hockey is cool, but the rest of it? Puh-leeze. I'd sooner watch reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies. I'm partial to the episodes where Jethro wants to be a "double-nought spy" or a "sophisticated Hollywood playboy."

But it doesn't matter what I like. They're going to televise all these silly games anyway, and people will sit glued to their seats as if they really give a happy horseshit about some French guy with an ice skate strapped to his ass, sliding down a frozen water slide. Worse, two guys strapped to an ice skate sliding down that same frozen water slide. It's Brokeback Luge.

Oh Pierre, I wish I knew how to quit you.

My personal favorite has got to be the one where they combine cross-country skiing and shooting. What kind of combination is that? Why don't they have that sort of weird combination thing at the Summer Games? Have the marathoners run a mile, then play a fiddle or something?

Then there's the freestyle skiers. Where else do you have a sport invented by a bunch of stoners getting loaded and daring each other to do crazy shit? I'm convinced that snowboarding came about because some dude with too much hippie lettuce in his system lost one of his skis, and was too wasted to know the difference.

And don't get me started on figure skating. Beautiful? Yes. Graceful? Absolutely. Athletic? Without question. A sport? I don't think so, Scooter. You see, for a competition to be a sport, it has to be decided on the field of play. Period. Anything left strictly up to a panel of judges, especially a bunch of tight-asses who'll do anything to keep a certain athlete or nation off the medal stand, just ain't a sport. I'ts ballroom dancing with a frozen floor. Oh, and then there's the costumes. If your uniform has sequins on it, you're particpating in an performance, not a sport.

So, let the games begin. Knock yourself out. I'll be watching 24, Mythbusters, The Shield, and maybe even American Idol. You can spend your time with Curling, watching some guy slide a big-ass rock across the ice, while some other guys walk along, sweeping the ice in front of it. Ever wonder why Curling is on the schedule nearly every day of the Olympics. Because it's so slow, it takes two freakin' weeks to play out a bracket. I will say this for Curling, though: It looks like it would lend itself well to drinking beer and swapping dirty jokes.

Anybody for a quick round?
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