Friday, April 25, 2008
Weekend Update
No, not Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, though that remains about the only part of the show worth staying awake for on a Saturday night these days.
No, I mean I've just been too busy to post. Now, the weekend is upon us, and I haven't written anything in a week. So, I'll just recap:
Scorpion Update: The score stands right now at about 15 - 1 in favor of Wayners, who stands to lose a point soon if he fails to figure out that he can use White Rain Hairspray and a lighter to get the holdouts in the gaps of his cinder block fence. That suspect who escaped from under the Tiki totem remains at large, though he was spotted recently in the vicinity of an expansion joint near the same totem. A BOLO (Be On The Lookout)has been issued by the Scorpion Investigation, Enforcement, and Squashing Tactical Attack (SIESTA) squad for suspect Jerry A. Racknid. Suspect is described as beige male, 6.3cm, scar on third left leg, and a Santa Rosa street gang tattoo on abdomen. Suspect goes by the street name "J Dawg." A reward of a six-pack of Tecate and a lime has been offered for information leading to the capture or death of the suspect. He is considered armed and dangerous.
Norm McDonald is a dumbass by a score of 3-1. He showed up on Good Morning Arizona this morning in front of US Airways Arena, plugging the kickoff off his national tour with a show in Tempe tonight. He was wearing a UCLA sweatshirt and pronounced "Tempe" as TEM-pe instead of Tem-PEE. That's two in the "dumbass" column. He rallied with a point by announcing that Shaquille O'Neal is his lover, but the comeback fell short when he allowed a goal against by suggesting that people without tickets to the Suns/Spurs game tonight come to his show instead.
Salsa Team AZPHC leads The Dead Hippies by a score of 2-1-1 going into the finals tomorrow at the My Nana's Salsa Challenge in Tem-PEE. We went shoulder to shoulder with the Dead Hippies yesterday on Fox 10, doing a spot for the Salsa Challenge. We outgunned them in sheer numbers (5-1) for a point, and our spokesman was far more dashing, handsome, and eloquent than their spokesman for yet another point. They had a cooler setup with all those little bowls of ingredients, scoring one point. Even that was contested when the cameraman lingered much longer on our gigantic bowl of salsa than on theirs. No one was willing to throw the gauntlet on the comparative tastes of our salsas, so that one went for a tie. We'll settle this thing the old-fashioned way, taking it ouside tomorrow. May the best spicy conglomeration win.
The Suns trail 2-0. 'Nuff said, especially when they held double-digit leads in both losses. They have to win now. What would Phins To The West be without hanging around the pool bar watching the game?
Janers wins Gilbert Candy Spitting Open: If you're considering putting together a watermelon seed-spitting team, consider drafting Janers. She trounced me soundly when, after dinner at a restaurant, we both grabbed what we thought were mints from a big bowl on the way out. They weren't mints, but some lime things that tasted like ass. I didn't make it to the car before spitting mine out, with a distance of perhaps 18" at best. Janers held out until we were in the car in traffic. She wanted to spit the nasty thing, but her rear window was locked. By the time I figured out how to roll it down, she had built up significant pressure. This was no petite drop it into your hand and gently toss it from the window. No, this was take a full hyperventilation breath and launch. I heard a THOOP! sound and felt a noticeable reduction in interior air pressure. I'm pretty sure she winged a Chevy two lanes over. So, I lost the candy spitting contest in a blowout. So to speak.
Hope to see you all at the Salsa Challenge tomorrow, or at the acoustic round robin Sunday!
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No, I mean I've just been too busy to post. Now, the weekend is upon us, and I haven't written anything in a week. So, I'll just recap:
Scorpion Update: The score stands right now at about 15 - 1 in favor of Wayners, who stands to lose a point soon if he fails to figure out that he can use White Rain Hairspray and a lighter to get the holdouts in the gaps of his cinder block fence. That suspect who escaped from under the Tiki totem remains at large, though he was spotted recently in the vicinity of an expansion joint near the same totem. A BOLO (Be On The Lookout)has been issued by the Scorpion Investigation, Enforcement, and Squashing Tactical Attack (SIESTA) squad for suspect Jerry A. Racknid. Suspect is described as beige male, 6.3cm, scar on third left leg, and a Santa Rosa street gang tattoo on abdomen. Suspect goes by the street name "J Dawg." A reward of a six-pack of Tecate and a lime has been offered for information leading to the capture or death of the suspect. He is considered armed and dangerous.
Norm McDonald is a dumbass by a score of 3-1. He showed up on Good Morning Arizona this morning in front of US Airways Arena, plugging the kickoff off his national tour with a show in Tempe tonight. He was wearing a UCLA sweatshirt and pronounced "Tempe" as TEM-pe instead of Tem-PEE. That's two in the "dumbass" column. He rallied with a point by announcing that Shaquille O'Neal is his lover, but the comeback fell short when he allowed a goal against by suggesting that people without tickets to the Suns/Spurs game tonight come to his show instead.
Salsa Team AZPHC leads The Dead Hippies by a score of 2-1-1 going into the finals tomorrow at the My Nana's Salsa Challenge in Tem-PEE. We went shoulder to shoulder with the Dead Hippies yesterday on Fox 10, doing a spot for the Salsa Challenge. We outgunned them in sheer numbers (5-1) for a point, and our spokesman was far more dashing, handsome, and eloquent than their spokesman for yet another point. They had a cooler setup with all those little bowls of ingredients, scoring one point. Even that was contested when the cameraman lingered much longer on our gigantic bowl of salsa than on theirs. No one was willing to throw the gauntlet on the comparative tastes of our salsas, so that one went for a tie. We'll settle this thing the old-fashioned way, taking it ouside tomorrow. May the best spicy conglomeration win.
The Suns trail 2-0. 'Nuff said, especially when they held double-digit leads in both losses. They have to win now. What would Phins To The West be without hanging around the pool bar watching the game?
Janers wins Gilbert Candy Spitting Open: If you're considering putting together a watermelon seed-spitting team, consider drafting Janers. She trounced me soundly when, after dinner at a restaurant, we both grabbed what we thought were mints from a big bowl on the way out. They weren't mints, but some lime things that tasted like ass. I didn't make it to the car before spitting mine out, with a distance of perhaps 18" at best. Janers held out until we were in the car in traffic. She wanted to spit the nasty thing, but her rear window was locked. By the time I figured out how to roll it down, she had built up significant pressure. This was no petite drop it into your hand and gently toss it from the window. No, this was take a full hyperventilation breath and launch. I heard a THOOP! sound and felt a noticeable reduction in interior air pressure. I'm pretty sure she winged a Chevy two lanes over. So, I lost the candy spitting contest in a blowout. So to speak.
Hope to see you all at the Salsa Challenge tomorrow, or at the acoustic round robin Sunday!
