Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Railroad Lady, Just A Little Bit Shady
According to some outfit called "AutoVantage," Phoenix is second in the nation when it comes to rude drivers. You're more likely to be cursed at, flipped off, or tailgated here than anyplace else in the country, with the exception of Miami. Now, I don't know how they define rude behavior, so I'm not sure if I qualify. Yes, I call other drivers "dumbasses" on a fairly regular basis, but it stays within the confines of my own car in a normal tone of voice. And when I catch some stupid red traffic light at a minor little piss ant intersection, when there isn't even any cross traffic, I will routinely say "Well, fuck me!"
Yesterday, I was leaving old town Glendale and had to stop for a northbound train. No big deal. I wasn't really in a hurry. But the damned thing just kept coming and coming. It was moving slowly, and there must have been a thousand cars on that bad boy. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, the end came into view. But what's this? Is it my imagination, or is this thing slowing down? I surmised they were going to stop just after clearing the intersection, but I surmised wrong. Just before the last of those seemingly endless cars reached the intersection, that bastard came to a complete stop. And sat there. Cars must have been backed up for better than a mile on Glendale Avenue. Many grew impatient, bailed out, and headed south to skirt around the end of the train. But I know better.
The Crime Dog's Theorem of Traffic Flow is very simple: For every action you take to avoid a traffic jam, there is an equal and opposite reaction that will slow you down even more. My theorem is proven accurate very time I bail off the freeway when it backs up, in an effort to take surface streets around the jam. Every freakin' traffic light will be red, the street will narrow down to one lane for construction, and there will be minimum three light wait at every intersection. Yesterday, I held fast to my theorem and refused to reverse field and try to go around. Sure enough, the stupid train started backing up, and all those impatient folks got stopped again.
The entire train, all 1,000 cars and 500 miles of it, backed across the intersection like a really boring movie running backwards. Again, I waited, and waited, and waited. At length, the engines came into view. Hallelujah! But what's this? It's slowing again? Is this Satan's Railway? I breathed a sigh of relief as the engines crossed Glendale Avenue at a speed that could only be timed with a calendar.
And then they stopped. Everybody that tried the ol' "end around play" got screwed all over again. As I merrily made my way across the tracks, I could swear the air to the south was turning blue.
Rude drivers? Road rage? In Phoenix? Who'd a thunk it?
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Yesterday, I was leaving old town Glendale and had to stop for a northbound train. No big deal. I wasn't really in a hurry. But the damned thing just kept coming and coming. It was moving slowly, and there must have been a thousand cars on that bad boy. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, the end came into view. But what's this? Is it my imagination, or is this thing slowing down? I surmised they were going to stop just after clearing the intersection, but I surmised wrong. Just before the last of those seemingly endless cars reached the intersection, that bastard came to a complete stop. And sat there. Cars must have been backed up for better than a mile on Glendale Avenue. Many grew impatient, bailed out, and headed south to skirt around the end of the train. But I know better.
The Crime Dog's Theorem of Traffic Flow is very simple: For every action you take to avoid a traffic jam, there is an equal and opposite reaction that will slow you down even more. My theorem is proven accurate very time I bail off the freeway when it backs up, in an effort to take surface streets around the jam. Every freakin' traffic light will be red, the street will narrow down to one lane for construction, and there will be minimum three light wait at every intersection. Yesterday, I held fast to my theorem and refused to reverse field and try to go around. Sure enough, the stupid train started backing up, and all those impatient folks got stopped again.
The entire train, all 1,000 cars and 500 miles of it, backed across the intersection like a really boring movie running backwards. Again, I waited, and waited, and waited. At length, the engines came into view. Hallelujah! But what's this? It's slowing again? Is this Satan's Railway? I breathed a sigh of relief as the engines crossed Glendale Avenue at a speed that could only be timed with a calendar.
And then they stopped. Everybody that tried the ol' "end around play" got screwed all over again. As I merrily made my way across the tracks, I could swear the air to the south was turning blue.
Rude drivers? Road rage? In Phoenix? Who'd a thunk it?
